recipe

so somethign good from the past few days. i got to cook! and since i'm always torturing James with my really quick miscellanous recipes, here's a good one. so life isn't all doom and gloom when i can be in the kitchen and enjoying the smells and feel of what's going on around me.

tonight was salmon rolls with crab meat filling (didn't make them, bought from grocery store.. just baked them. so don't get ultra impressed though they were lovely...)

but here you go.

this originally came from the silver palate cookbook, so i can't take full responsibility for it. but we've modified it slightly.

1 lb of raw aspargus, washed
1 package of cream cheese, slightly warmed (only to make stirring easier)
1 lb of bacon
garlic powder, black pepper and italian seasonings to taste.

preheat oven to 35o F.
take warmed cream cheese, stir in seasonings to your taste.
after having washed asparagus spears, break the bottom ends off, roughly the bottom inch. you'll feel the spear bend or give there.
naturally.

take a strip of raw bacon, smear the cream cheese mixture on it. maybe a tablespoon? maybe more. take about three spears, lay them on top of one end of the smeared bacon and roll the bacon around the group of spears. place on baking sheet.

a one pound bunch of asparagus will do roughly 8 rolls. there's usually some bacon left over. you can bake it int he oven as bacon or smear that with creame cheese too and just roll it without the asparagus.

bake the rolls on baking sheet for about 15 minutes until the bacon is cooked. (it won't be crispy, but you'll be able to tell.)

take out and serve directly. it's a great dish, rich though. it's hard to eat more than two. if they cool warm them up again because these don't do well cold.

rant, beware.

so you may or may not know that i dont handle houseguests very well. i dont handle houseguests well if i dont know them well. i have gotten better since my best friend came and visited for three days when were fourteen and we almost ended up killing each other. let it be said that i like my space and my privacy. some people i am comfortable enough to have with me and not have anys ort of problem with. some i'm not.

my in laws are coming for two weeks in may. and i want nothing more than to not be here when they are here. even if they dont stay here, which they aren't. thats' been made clear. they will stay in one of the apartments. they won't be here in the house.
rylan told me it'd be a week. a week. well today, it's now two weeks. and i ant nothing to do with it.
yeah whatever, you should get to know the,. yeah whatever, you should let them stay with you so you can get to know them. that's nice. good for you. gold stars all round. how will they get tok now you if you dint let them stay with you? again gold stars for you. how will you ge tot know them if you don't let them stay with you again gold stars for everyone. and i'll take the big black marks in my book. (what everyone has said to me.. and i hate it.) i prefer to get to know people from a distance. establish a relationship form there and maybe then go from there.
i dont take kindly to being stared at. thats what happened when they were here. they stared at me. didn't say a word. just stared at me. or changing chairs was the highlight of the day. so i put on my headphones and played my computer or did my work and didn't interact. i said i had work to do and i did it. i did my writing.. harry potter was a break thing. and there you go.
but what makes me more mad is that because they're coming right at that time is there's no chance of scotland. absolutely bloody none. rylan and i made a deal. that if he went to utah for the conference, we were going to scotland. so he went. and i have been hoping and planning and preparing and because of this, it's defunct. i feel betrayed. like he renegged on a deal. and yeah finances are tight. but it could be done. but he's just being a wet blanket on this. i am so close to going ahead and booking tickets for me and leaving him here while i go on holiday. because his parents being here is not going to be any sort of holiday or anything mildly enjoyable for me.
the trip to scotland has beent he one thing that has kept me going in allt he horrible times. the one thing that has kept my spirits up when i felt likeic ouldn't go on. i kept holding on to scotland. those few days of seeing my friends i havent seen in six years...or being ina place where i truly felt at home and where i felt i belonged... and it's been shot down.
and i hate it.

it costs money to move away. it takes money to survive. so for the time being we're stuck here until he gets a better job. or i get a better job. and my parents want me to stay here. because they'd miss us. and yeah i'd miss them ot. but this place, this town and the mentality frighten me. scares the crap out of me. i do not want ot get stuck in a place that i loathe, because i'll end up loathing myself. and then that will just become an awful thing.....

2/25/06

rylan's off to meetings and classes all day. comes with the territory i guess.

so i am here to clean the house. it's driving me crazy all the clutter and stuff. so. i'm doign that today. cleaning, doing somew riting, knitting maybe, quilting. maybe start on the new denim quilt too. who knows.
have dsicovered a ghreat gorup called freecycle. you post your unwanted items and usually someone wants them. so you give it to them and it gets out of your hair. it keeps it from going in the dump and wasting a perfectly usable or easily repairable thing. i have gotten rid of a breadmaker and an old cabinet stereo that way. and if you're skint or short on cash you can list something you're looking for and maybe someone will have it and is willing to part with it. it's a good thing.

listening to James.. here's a snippet:
got to tell the world we've all been dreaming,. this is not the end a new beginning. i no longer feel my god is watching over me. break the curse, concentrate let the door swing open see through all my walls all my flaws now i'm in deeper than sleep. got to keep awake to what is happening. i can't see a thing to my ambition, i no longer feel my god is watching over me. got to tell the world we've all been dreaming.. when you let me fly on my own wings, nowi'm as tall as the skies, when you left me drown, i grew gills and fins now i'm as deep as the sea. when you let me die my spirit's free, there's nothing challenging me. (ring the bells..)


so maybe today i'll just put up random snippets of songs i'm listening to at this moment since between the dog and the music it's all the company i've got today..

(from sit down, by james)
if i hadn't seen such riches i could live with being poor. oh sit down next to me. sit down down down down down, in sympathy.those who feel the breath of sadness sit down next to me, those who find they're touched by madness sit down next to me, those who find themselves ridiculous sit down next to me, in love in fear in hate and tears.. down. oh sit down next to me. down sit down in sympathy...


fare thee well my bright star. then as a brief brilliant miracle dies and that which i had looked up to and clung to for dear life had to burn itself out to make itself alive and nd i caught you then in your moment of glory, your last dramatic scene against a night sky stage with thte memories so clear its as if you're still before me, my once in a lifetime, my star of an age. fare thee well my bright star. last night the tongues of fire circled me around. and this strange season of pain will come to pass and the healing hands of autumn cool me down... (indigo girls)

witches can be right. giants can be good. you decide what's right, you decide what's good. someone is on you side, some one else is not. while yo're seeing our side, maybe you forgot they are not alone. no one is alone. hard to see the light now, just don't let it go. things will turn out right now. we can make it so. someone is on your side. no one is alone. (from into the woods.)


all for the moment.

update
spent yesterday (now writing on the 26th) after having written the blog entry with mom, kyla and my grandmother at grandmother's house. lots of interesting stressful things there.
more on that later when i feel up to it.

2/22/06

sitting waiting for my class to start. i am soing sentence diagramming. sounds a bit elementary but it needs to be done. it's amazing what some students dont know.
so rylan's parents are coming in may, possibly bringing his youngest sister. still dont know what i think of it. and as it looks grandmother may be living in the apartment by the end of summer. i dont know about possibly ealier, but if it is earlier, that means that rylan'sfamily will have to stay with us. i dont know. i just dont do houseguests very well. i do all in my power to be a good houseguest, to make as little impact on lifer as possible, to not be in the way. that sort of thing. but i just dont do guests in our home well. at least not for long periods of time. i dont etnertain people well. i dont always want to feel like i'm on,' so to speak. being a teacher, i'm on enough as it is.
we are going to new hampshire soon toi see rylan's twin and her family. his prents will be there. our ellie has been invited. we shall make sure she is on her best behavior. generally she does well.
i'm antsy to get to scotland. who knows if it will happen this may. who knows. i dont.
am getting antsy to write too.


the other night i sat our wedding quilt, the quilt frame and worked. it was the most calming thing of all day to just let everything else go but to focus n this quilt. it is such a soothing motion and act.
i am already planning the next quilt, a denim quilt with flannel, a roman coins pattern.

ok class soon. i'm away.

got a phone call last night from my sister. grandmother was taken to the emergency room (up at tyler hospital of all places... they seem questionable at best). she's had a severe case of diarrhea (pleasant isn't it?) since arizona and it's just really gotten worse. they pumped her full of fluids to try to stave of dehydration. there was talk of sending her for a CAT scan as one side of her face was 'drawn' or pulled. sara asked if it was possibly a stroke and dad said the docotors weren't saying that but it was getting implied. the hospital; decided not to admit her. she spent last night up at mom and dad's. and as it sounds she may very well be moving up here from dalton. she's kinda getting resigned to the fact of that, that she can't take care of herself a whole lot anymore...
it makes me sad. she's always had such independance. she's always had such a fiery attitude, and to see her forced to leave her home and live nearer her daughter and all of that... yes i udnerstand the pros of the situation. thirty minutes is a life time in a situation like that could mean life or death... i just want to make sure she's not being forced against her will. i still remember poppa when he had to go into the nursing home. how bad it was, the feeling of betrayal, and hurt and how much he resented it... but yeah he had to go there, he couldn't take care of himself...
she said she'd never been in love with such a spot of earth as her home in dalton. and i just hate to see her have to lose it. have to leave it.
sitting in a class proctering another professor's class. hoping our ellie is ok. hoping that things will be ok in the future...hoping for jobs...hoping and prayinh my rylan's ok that his knee isn't hurting him that he will find a job that he loves and that can support us.. i'm not always sure how many more of these 8ams i can take.
i came home yesterday form work absolutely shattered. could barely function. and i wondered how a single mother handles it, working taking care of kids all of that on her own...i could barely string words together last night. i dont think i want to be doing that when the time comes to have a family...
looked more at folklore and folkculture. and it's really piquing my interest. am debating or thinking, considering doing an iformal study of the mormon culture. i always hear about it, green jello and mini vans.. but no one understands why... maybe this could be of interest...
will keep posted on all of those things...

2/18/06

rylan had surgery yesterday and all went well! *sigh of relief* they had to remove some scar tissue between his knee and femur, and reepair a torn miniscus in his knee. The surgeryt ook less than an hour. Rylan hadnled the anesthesia well. he has a hard time with it, just being really groggy, sleeping a lot longer... all of that. yesterday he knew who i was, he wasn't really really groggy.. and he was coherent.

this week has been a bad week. bad thoughts got into my head, i guess into rylan's too. it's hard being married you know. the idea of his parents coming out in may to spend a week with us just really upset the cart. (long story....we'll just say i dont do well with houseguests I dont know well or who take over my kitchen. it's small enough to begin with that two pepople can barely choregraph a meal preparation there. And i say choregraph because every move has to be made aware to the other person so as not to bump into each other or whatever..)
and with allt he deathsi n our family and friends... it's just been a bad week. marylynn was hard to see go. hildy, a friend of mine said, marylynn was what we all ove about tunkhannock. her elegance, her kindness, generosity, friendship, style, sense of humor... all of that. the tpwn shall be a little less bright with her gone out of it. and it is true to a T.
so it's been bad. and when is at next to rylan's bed, waiting for him to go into surgery, all of the bad thoughts, frustrations, annoyed self and all of that, went away. it still boiled down to, i love this person more than anything else in the world. i love him and would do anything for him, even go through this surgery for him if they could do it on me and give him the results. i just sat, holding his hand, or touching his chest, or whatever. always in contact with him...

but he is doing great. surgery was a success, and he's walking around... yay! huge sighs of relief, prayers answered.... prayers of thanksgiving offered... we talked last night about what happened this week. about the bad thoughts we'd had, the fears and all of that. things will be ok.

it snowed here. windy and flurries.

am thinking of my phd again. and the best fit so far feels like it'd be folklore. it incoprorates the indigineous music, languages and stories of a people.. the beliefs and all of that. not many places off the degree. but at least i have a pssible starting off point.

put in for a promotion at work. we'll see. it didn't make sense to not throw my hat in the ring. i'm just as qualified as anyone else. might as well.

have taken to keeping a notebook or pad of paper net to my bed, so when i have a dream and i ake up from it, i can write it down. i have gotten some good stories that way. another good one came early this morning. :) hailers and james i'll have tos ee what you think of it.


this past week, my mom gave me something. my earliest memory of my aunt billie june (she died in early january) is falling out of the bed at her house and looking under it and seeing all of these 'jewels' under the bed on some sort of tray. i believed they were making jewelry or they were rich and they hid all their money or and precious things unde the bed. keep in mind i was four at the time.
mom has always told me that it was a christmas tree. well i dont remember that. i remember jewels on a tray.
with billie june's daughter's permission, they gave me the christmas tree. it came this week in grandmother's car.. mom called me up and i went up to get it.
it's on 'velvet' (what you'd get at a craft store) in a large woodeen frame. a christmas tree made out of jewelry. beads, bracelets, earrings, pins and brooches.. everything.. i leaned down so i'd be level with it and tilted my head to the side as if i were lying ont he floor next to it and looked. and it looked how i reemmbered it. a tray full of jewels.
i hung it up today, and i can't help but smile whenever i look at it. and yes it is a christmas tree, but it will stay up year round i think. because it is so cool, and it is such an important memory of my childhood. and because it makes me smile. it hink of my fmaoil and howd ifferent we alla re, how some don't even look like we should be long todather. our friends too. we dont make sense on paper. but when you put us together, we make a beautiful sight...

thats all for now.

deaths come in threes

it is something i have started to belive. maybe because i like superstitions. maybe not. but it is something that i have noticed. deaths or major things, happen in threes.

first was my great aunt in early janury. then was grandaddy end of january. then was my dear friend marylynn sunday night.

six weeks three deaths. kinda hard....

tomorrow night is the viewing and we'll be going as we can't attend the funeral. i'll miss her.

another post maybe tonight. but maybe. on a different perhaps better topic... who knows..

hmm

so i realized that this is turning out to be farily unpositive and growling. i figured i'd try to change that.
taking lead from my one friend....
some stuff about me. so you can all get to know me better... (all three who read this)

favorite restraunts:

• Bombay house in Salt Lake City, Utah (great indian food andlovely mago ice cream..i love their lamb korma)
• Tea and Sympathy in New York City (in the village past St. Vincent's Hosptial) It's a bit of home when i really need some good food, scones, and just a trip back to the uk but can't afford the airfare. I adore their brunches (eggs with salmon, chammomile and lavender tea..)
• Mamasita's up near Elk Mountain in Pa. Great Mexican food, all made from scratch. it's not a fast food place, go when you have time, but it's worth the wait.
• Jack's in Millersville Pa for their amazing french fry dishes.
• Sugar Bowl in Millersville for their spinach stromboli.
• Baby's in State College Pa, just for fun and atmosphere.
• Gin's in Factoryville is good.
• add to this list, generally Starbucks (or a nice coffee house, Tunk. doesn't have one..) Ruby Tuesdays or Applebees, or Olive Garden.

Favorite movies:

• Goonies
• waking ned devine
• best of show
• a mighty wind
• persuasion
• mansfield park
• the green mile
• shawshank redemption
• finding nverland
• LOTR trilogy
• King Kong
• Jaws
• Narnia
• spaceballs...

Favorite books:

• farewell miss julie logan - by jm barrie
• reading lolita in tehran - azar nafisi
• the prime of miss jean brodie
• the city of god - doctorow
• dracula - bram stoker
• standing for something - gordon b hinckley
• brave new world - aldous huxley
• lost - gregory maguire
• wicked - same author
• poe
• sherlock holmes - all of it.. by doyle
• chuck wachtel's poetry and essays and short stories
• lots more

favorite songs/bands

• out to get you - by James
• origin of love - hedwig and the angry inch
• ragtime and wheels of a dream - from ragtime
• hell - squirrel nut zippers
• beethoven's 9th symphony
• schubert's ave maria
• be still my soul
• rhapsody in blue - gershwin
• song for whoever and beautiful eyes - beautiful south
• laura cortese
• stuff by maleki
• james
• barenaked ladies
• dave matthews band
• david gray
• dixie chics (yes i did just say that)
• moby
• loreena mckennitt
• squirrel nut zippers
• any sort of indigineous music - sacred harp singers, african drumming, aboriginal music... that whole ethnic music thing
• the beetles
• and way too many more..anything that is interesting, will move me and catch my attention... hopefully that will give you a good over view.

i would desperately love to move back to the uk. i want to travel. want to see italy, greece, australia, russia, china, japan, lots of places. have no desire to see germany. france is not that much higher than germany. just little interest.

dream jobs: director in films or theatre; make up or costume designing with films or plays; writer; teacher; doctor (pediatrics, or delivering babies) boarding school or university president/headmaster; working with roses; musician

what sound do i love: my husband laughing, ot my neice's laughter, or the jingle of ellie's dog tags when she comes to say hi to me.. or the sound that she makes when she licks my face. thunder. a piano played well.. good music.

sounds i hate: a piano played badly; crying; screeching brakes; arguing; ignorant parents yelling at their kids and talking down to them


what scares me most: ignorance; hatred; lack of jobs and health insurance; lack of money for basic living;

what i look forward to most: being a mom; being out of debt; having our own place and doing what we love in life; rose gardens; living life on our own terms. eternity with my family. enough money to be ok.

so there's a bit. lots more i'm sure. but there you go.

2/8/06

i havent written in a while. not sure why. just havent had the drive to.
i had a good chat with my friend james today about the feeling of being stuckl and not knowing what to do about it.
listening to simpsons. and i just want to be wrapped up in my boy's arms and not have to go anywhere.
have started planning the gardens kinda. at least in my dream gardens.

classes are going. am trying to stay positive. i have a class full of boys and it's a lot of fun. they're probably my favorite. they're loud and unruly and raucus and fun. it's a good time for all.

i still have a love hate relationship witht his town. i love the area. the mentality frightens me. i am frightened for jobs for the future..

grandmother didn't know who she was today.....

my sister has introduced me to the world of jane austen movies. and i love them! it makes me want to go back and i live in that time era. i guess it s not good to wish of things like that...
i kinda wonder why i was born here and in this time....dopnt have an answer to it. just a wonder.

back home

my mom and grandmother came home this week. they got back tuesday night. i have been counting down the days til they got back.
today i cancelled classes to spend it with my grandmother. last night was her first night all by herself. and i didn't get the chance to see her yesterday. it seemed like everyone saw her yesterday, all but me. but i was at school all day. so i thought i should be spend some time with her today. i am not going to have a chance to really grieve i guess. cause grandaddy died out there, and there's no service happening out here. people are just moving on and getting rid of things. so yeah...
so i spent today with my grandmother, rylan and i did. just helping her clean things up, organize things. she kept trying to give me things. even tot he point where she gave me a packet of broccoli soup mix.... and i made a deal with her, that if there was somethign i really wanted, or desperately needed or admired... i would tell her. that made her really happy, so she didn't have to worry about it, or baout trying to p ush things on me. we went into the other room.. and i went over tot he table with the little wooden buddha that she has always had (we always had to go rub buddha's belly for luck). and i reminded her of the pinky promise we had just made, pointing out the buddha. s he smiled and said "take it.." i made sure she was sure, and she insisted. he's nothign extravagent or elaborate or even really valuable. it's just something that i have always loved and admired, and have very fond memories of.
all in all it was quite worth cancelling classes for.

i keep thinking of scotland, of rose gardens, or where we may end up. who knows.

i have gotten to a point on my sweater that i screwed it up. so i have to start over on part ofit. grr.... i was close to giving up on it, but i dont want to give up yet. maybe just take a breather? or give it some time until i can go back and figure it out.

read a really interesting article in newsweek, about the problem with boys in schools. why and how they are failing at every leve lof education adn why... and what people should do. hmmm..