rainy

so it's raining. like everywhere else in the eastern states because of the dying katrina.

school started this week. i was terrified. i couldn't sleep at all sunday night into monday morning. around 3am i finally was able to doze off. up then around 7-8am. I had classes at 2, but had to make sure i had to get lost time.

so the basic thing is, i am relearning how to drive. for whatever reason or reasons, i didn't drive a whole lot growing up. i wasn't allowed to get my license until i was 18 years old. not through any wrong doing of my own mind you. i never stole the car, or snuck out at night and drove to vegas for quixkie weddings and divorces. it was somethign much less interesting but more powerful. i think it was something around insurance rates, and the fact that my brother sank one of our cars in a swamp soon after he got his license, and that my sister had a speeding ticket. so for whatever reason, i didn't get my license til i was 18. then i didn't drive until i was about 20. again, i dont know why, just that i wasn't allowed to. so then i drove for a summer, and then i moved to scotland. where i didn't drive again, and they drive on the other side of the road. so i got in the habit of looking the opposite directions when crossing the street, or when driving. i gues sit frightened my parents when i came back and looked the wrong ways before crossing the streets.

again, either way, i didn't drive again, almost until i got married. all said and done, it kinda feels like i was shoved off on everyone else by my parents some days when it came to driving. so i have been relearning how to drive since we got married.

i'm doing well and it's all good, but i'm still nervous and not terribly comfortable with some situations. i have been driving to luzerne county community college , which is 42.5 miles away, for over a year, and that has gone well. trial by fire so to speak. dealing with wind, rain and snow, and sleet. but it still is backroads. not terribly difficult, a straight shot on rt 29, either way. some really good S curves and stuff like that.
but kings is in wilkes barre. int he city, with some good congested traffic. it's not as far, but more congested and more crazy people, and problems like possible parallell parking. (I didn't learn it. it wasn't on the drivers test when i took it.)

so i think i was just really scared of the driving. and then the whole 'will they like me..' nerves like a little girl before her first day of school. i hated it. so i didn't sleep well worying between the drive, and finding out where i was parking.. and the new classes.

it ended up being a rough day. almost got into a crash. got lost trying to find the parking spot. i spent almost 40 minutes trying to find the parking spot.. and it was just crazy. then driving home was just a pain.. th whole time i was driving to school, i was repeating the next step in the directions so i wouldnt forget them. just angrya nd stressful. by the time i parked i was choking back tears and nerves, and had to fight the urge ti run away and just not go.

but it went ok. got into my office. got lunch, made copies.. that sort of thing. class was class. it's the first day. so everyone was quiet and still checking things out. i am hoping tomorrow goes better.
today's classes all went well. it felt good. today's the first day i had to drive from lccc to kings for my afternoon classes. so again, a little nervous.. but directions went well and all was happy.

i heard today on the radio that the train from scranton to new york city is in the definite go stage. still going to be five or six years. but it's a possibilty. it'd be nice if there was train service from scranton to wilkes barre. or from the smaller towns to the larger towns. gas is just getting too expensive. it'd be less stressful.
so that is all here today. a good day. yay. lots of rain. and i can sleep tonight. :) don't have to be up at 5:45 am.

oh i saw a cool website that is defintely somehting i want to do. eventually when i do my phd i would love to get involved with this project. or if i can get involved a head of time or now, anyone has any ideas, let me know! check out the site. it's pretty cool.

www.neh.gov/news/archive/20050505/html

no title

august 24th. *music playing in the background is the playlist i made for my friend chrystal when she moved to california. i knew she'd be driving for hours on end so i made her a good set of cds.. Tom hanks was just singing the cow boy song from joe vs the volcano. a little silly and guilty pleasure movie but entirely underappreciated.. like comfort foods. like mac and cheese, or mashed potatoes with lots of gravy.

today i became official at kings college. got my id and parking permit. everyone thought i was a student. sometimes its ok. soemtimes it's a little irritating.

and then the picture didn't help.. i just kept thinking that my face looked fat. that my hair made me look fatter.. with my eating issues it just gets worse, some stupid things just trigger it. it doesn't help that it's been a struggle lately. it always is. comes and goes. its not nice when you loathe your body. it's a love hate relationship some days. i know i'm not built be to tiny. but i have to say there is something of a rush, of a thrill, even in a perverse way, when you see the scale tip under 100, under 90 pounds. and something in my mind, says look, i take up so little space. i can't bother anyone. i can fit anywhere... some sort of thrill, when you know that everyone envies you. that you can still where the tiniest clothes, shop in the young teen section of the store.. look at all the self control i have. look at how i can control everyting in my small world. i dont have to eat like you..

yeah it's pretty screwed up. but yeah that's also what goes on inside my head. anorexia sucks. eating disorders suck. but it's something i have. and i dont know all the time what to do with it. some days are better than others. and if i'm already having a bad day or a little uneasy or uncertain, then it just is an automtic. i eat now. and that is a big thing that i eat and i cook. and i try to take my frustration and control issues and allthat rubbish out in positive means like running or writing or yoga... i have been lucky to have only lapsed into bulimia once. so yeah. there you have it.

but today i became offical at kings. kinda exciting. i'm nervous about the drive and all of that. i'm stilld riving the honda. i was hoping to drive the beetle by this time but i just havent gotten it down yet. driving a standard, i still get flustered and nervous, and a little panicky. the stop and go traffic has me alittle worried. i worry that i would panick on the freeway and make some stupid mistake. and the beetle is supposed to be my car. the honda is rylan's. and i know he misses driving it. but i just dont feel comfortable driving the beetle yet. it's frustrating. grr.

did you hear that there are some scientists who want to import the cheetah, and the elephant and lion intot he american great plains? what the heck is that about?! i think they are forgetting that the climate is drastically different.

so today was a good day but frustrating. so there is some of my day today.
and in the midst of all this frustation walks in my 5 year old neice who just gave me a hug and brightened up my day. it's amazing how she does that. :) yay for neices..

the wrap up music: "Into the Woods Prologue" from themusical. swing music has been heavily in rotation, and i really want to to learn how to dance.. :)

tomatoes

so i am not too good at keeping this thing current. i'll have to work on that.
so since the last entry... rylan and i ran two more races. he ran the christy matthewson 6K and took first in his age group. just so you know, a 6K = 3.75 miles. i ran the mile run and beat my time. even without the fire engine and marching band behind me!

we also endeavored to make tomato sauce last week. and it was a disatser. we scorched the bottoms of the tomatoes, thereby making the sauce taste like and smell like cigarette smoke. so we had to toss the entire batch. it was sad. and frustrating.

since then, we celebrated our third wedding anniversary. yay us! we ate chinese food and watched the Village. it stil gives us goosebumps.
had a meeting at the college where i'll be teaching in the fall and met with teh otehr new teachers. i think it will be a really good experience. and i have an office!!! with a key! and a desk! and bookshelves!!!! yay! at the other school i carry everything around with me like pack mule. i need a chiropractor so badly.

but made tomatoes today. actually canned tomaotes today. we knew we we're going to lsoe them if we didn't do it soon.. our friend christine and her son hunter came over and we spent all day canning, she, rylan and i. and you know, they look awfully pretty in their jars afterwards. (after the all day process..) it takes a while. but it's good to know they will be put aside for the winter, for when we need them. one less thing we will need to buy. another way we can save up our garden and preserve it for later use. so that's a happy thing.

tomorrow, we leave to go to dc, to the temple there. i always look forward to going to that temple. it is where we were married and sealed for eternity. the feeling of peace that exists there is beyond belief.
am still reading les miserables. still loving it.

in the ensign this past month, maybe this months? presidnet hinckley has challeneged everyone to finish reading the book of mormon by the end of the year. he said if you read a chapter and a half a day, you can do it. so we're going to do our best to achieve that.

not much else going on here. perhaps that's why i haven't written much.
ta

race reviews - August 5th

last night i ran my race. thanks to folks who kept me in your thoughts and gave me the metaphysical push. or those that i imagined did. it was the Jack Daniel's mile, in memory of a student at the high school who drowned a few years ago, i think his name was John, but everyone called him Jack. His father I think may still teach there.

I know a mile may not sound like much, but when it's 95 degrees Farenheit, and grossly muggy, and everyone around you has that sleek tight tanned runners physique that screams "I can do this in my sleep," it feels a little longer. it was my first race in a very long time. I just wanted to do it to prove to myself that i could, to give myself a goal. Running is one of those things when I set out for my run, I have no clue how it's going to end, if i'll make it entirely or i'll end up turning around quitting. I haven't quite on any of my runs yet. I love the way it feels and the sense of accomlishment. The few minutes of torture and adrenaline that i survived. all of that. I just have to build up to everything, run more train more. I ultimately, I dont know when, would love to do a marathon, but that will take few years to train for. I need to conquer the mile run and the 5K first.

So last night was my start.
I was worried when no one was there that I knew. I felt so out classed and, didn't no one anyone on the streets, no cheering sections. I almost thought about giving my ten dollars at registration and leaving. I came for the T shirt. but i really came for the bragging rights, the T shirt and to prove something to myself. so i talked myself into staying, dealt with the butterflies and got ready to run.

i met a woman whose first race it was as well and we determined we'd run together so that was nice. a friendly face and all. that helped.
when the race finally started, we got lined up and someone shot the starting pistol. We were in the far far back, the last row actually. I set my pace, or tried to, and kept up with julie, my running partner i'd just met. She looked behind us and and so "oh my!" the parade was RIGHT behind us. So we picked it up a little. Nothing like a large fire engine and a marching band to put a little extra zing in your step.

i never realized the hills in town, until I had to run them. We began down hill, and then turned left at the red light, up past the post office, up harrison, then into the bus lane at the middle school. There were at least two hills that I don't remember ever being there before, and i think they stretched the pavement out a little longer for us.

Now i said earlier there wasn't anyone i recognised in the crowds. And there wasn't really. But everyone was cheering on all the runners. Even me, who as one of the last three in the race. (I still finished with a respectable time, just everyone else is a lot faster than I am.) Kids and their families who were out for the parade cheered us on the entire way. Some little boy had his garden hose spraying into the field of runners to cool us down. (I saw it on the race route map before we started) I was so grateful for that little spray of water, I ran right through it and it felt so good.

when i got to the middle school and saw the flags, one of the workers said something like 50 more yards (or whatever. he gave a distance that I dont remember), and I thought for a second, 50 yards has never looked so far in my life. but i kept going and made it. crossed the finish line, hugged my running partner julie who had gone ahead (at my consent,) and my friends who were holding my car keys and t shirt. I checked my time and ended up taking off about two minutes off my normal time.

So i had a real sense of accomplishment there. i felt like i was in the club, the runners club, maybe a junior member, but still in a little bit. the crazy runners who run in all sorts of heat, and weather and who like it. Cause i did. for as hot and hard as it was (yeah I know a mile isn't far. but we are all different..) i loved it. I loved the pushing myself to succeed, to at least survive and all of that.

So that was my race story. woke up this morning and my legs feel fine, and am already thinking of going out for another run or out for at least a good walk, or a good yoga session.

today is friday, which means last night alone. my love comes home tomorrow. :) not sure what time but he comes home tomorrow. much hapiness there :)

august 3, and its too hot

august third, wednesday and it's too hot. i have been one of those people who gets too cold and sick of winter, one of those people that wishes for a bit of warmth in January.. but I can tell you now, i'm already sick of it. I think i will have to think twice before i start to complain about the cold and start wishing for a heat wave. it's too hot for the dogs to play. it's too hot to do anything outside.. i will say it. i hate summer. humidity, and mugginess, and heat and grossness all round.. I'll take autumn or spring any day. there's a theory that the weather change, the more violent hurricanes and all are due to global warming. i stll wonder what people can do to change that, to make thigns better. i am really glad to see the hybrid cars. i think it's a great step in the right direction.. or at least to buy more fuel economic cars right now, especially with the price of fuel right now.

day three of scout camp. i survived my second night alone. my dog is wonderful. she sleeps in the bed with me, so i dont feel so lonely. but the thing is i still feel lonely. i at least know (or have delusions) that if something is wrong in the house, she'll wake up and let me know. she has in the past. she can tell when someone is at the house before i can. she knows when something isnt right. so generally, if she can sleep i can sleep.

well last night, there were sounds. yep, sounds. it's a big old house. and it's going to make sounds. you'd think that after living here for three years, i'd have gotten used to the sounds. but i haven't and i dont. last night, in the midst of saying my prayers, i heard the lock on the bedroom door slide. just a metallic click. but enough tos tir me from my reverance to stare at the door, and pray a little faster and more fervent - please don't let the boogeyman get me.. please dont let there be anyone or anything in the house...i locked all the doors.. it didn't help that ellie our dog couldn't sleep or get comfortable. every time she would start to settle down, suddenly she'd be up and alert and looking around. finally we slept. and when we woke, the house was intact, no boogeymen and the monsters all went away for the day. (at least the ones under the bed.)
i have spent the day writing. a very nice alternative to grading papers. i am trying to finish this story, at least a rough ugly draft of it today. maybe i can get it done entirely by the end of the week. maybe.
i am listening to the harry potter book the most recent one) on cd. borrowed it from my mum.

i find myself counting down the days till my love gets home. half way there...
thats all for now. perhaps i'll add more later.

so random questions

as i dont know how to make a poll yet or anything else like that, whoever reads this leave a note (hailers... girl i luv ya)

greatest books you've ever read?

greatest movies you've ever seen?

if there's any charities you could support or would support, what ones?

what would you like to do to change the world around us, around you?

i'm thinking about these too, so i'll try to answer when i think of it..

new days - august 1, 2005

so today is the first day with my very own little blog... someone once said i needed a website, and so here it is. years down the road, but voila! nothing grand to look at, but a start perhaps. i'll work the bugs out as i get more used to this thing.

today also begins a ritual i'm not always terribly fond of, i have to say. scout camp. i know it's important for my love to go and do the scoutmaster thing, and i know he has a good time. heck with a giant homemade catapult and a couple huge bags of water balloons, how could he not?!

but i just end up missing him. maybe i sound silly, clingy, needy whatever. i just end up missing him and wondering what i'm going to do with my time to fill it up. i wonder if anyone else ever has this problem...
today began reading week for my classes. so i dont have to get up any more (or at least for this week) at half past five in the morning. so that's nice. i can spend more time working on my writing, which is one of the reasons i started this. a website i frequent will be changing to blogs or a lot of it, so in order to have a venue for my work, i chose to do this, until random house comes knocking a thousand times over *chuckle.. yeah i know..* or at least until i land an agent....until then i may just have to use this as a gallery as well. (if you know of any agents looking specifically, let me know and i'll remember you in my speeches...)

so today is obviously a day of lots of different starts. reading week, a blog, and just all in all, a new day to do with what i see fit. so far i have felt to take a nap, and check my eail after coming home from work and struggling to stay awake while driving the hour commute home. i think i'll write some more and eat something eventually (something besides breakfast cereal bars - which are not as tasty as theyw ould make you think they are... and i am a little frightened to know what the center thing is. they say it is "made with real milk." yeah but so is any number of things. that doesn't mean it should be eaten frequently or a staple of the diet. - and frozen cupcakes..)

so welcome to my little corner of the world. drop a note if you fancy. cheers.