our house is cold. and i'm a little tired and cold.. and my boy is out camping with the stupid boyscouts - BSA = assinine beaurocracy = dumb red tape peelers who think they are soooo important... and yesterday's stuffing isn't tasting as good as i thought it would the day after. and still no luck on the car front.
so thanksgiving started out good. i had gotten all the cooking done wednesday. all of the bread, all the rolls and the all holy necessary sweet potato casserole (to those who think of not having it, i laugh at them...)
that was all good. rylan and i watched the movie 'the triplets of bellville.' it's a foreign film, animated and won oscars when it was up for them. fantastic film! dont worrya bout it being foreign because there's very little dialogue. most of it is through music. definitely take the chance to watch it. blockbuster, netflix (which we're trying out right now) you will absolutely not be disappointed.
so that was great. got a phone call from my girl chrystal who i absolutely love. we talked a bit. yay. i miss her so much... she is just so strong and it amazes me. it was one of the highpoints of the day...
so we went up a little early for thanksgiving. not much, about ten minutes. each year, rylan and i make ornaments - very cool ornaments if i do say so myself - and give them to the thankgiving guests. it's a way to open up the whole season and something kinda special.
in addition to that, this year we made a Thankful Tree. We drew a tree on posterpaper, and didn't draw in any leaves. We made leaves and the idea was to write what you're thankful for on the tree and put leaves on the tree. sinmple concept but kinda cool, and a poignant way to see how we are all so blessed.
we got up to my parents' house. and my sister was in the kitchen as was her husband. ok. cool whatever. tom was cooking the leg of lamb - we're non-traditionalists. and sara was being her usual stressful person trying to run the whole thing and orchestrate the universe. she's great, but i hate to be in her way because then you are DEFINITELY in her way and there's no escaping her. i dont enjoy working with her because i dont enjoy being bossed around like a five year old. she's very take charge which is good, but along with that goes very high stress and high strung and high anxiety.with her jobs it's great and needed... but i'm the opposite usually, so it can get awkward.
so we dropped off our rolls, bread and casserole and went into the other room, started setting the table because mom got sidetracked from setting the table, and just tried to stay out of the way. the missionaries arrived a few minutes later to eat with us.
we had dinner. didn't talk a whole lot. we just ate. passing food or reaching across the table, and people's plates (which drives me CRAZY, up there with chewing with your mouth open or talking with your mouth full.. shudder...) when people did talk, it was just weird and awkward. ever get the feeling that you're being talked around, or behind or above? that was it the entire meal with both rylan and i. i dont think we actually participated in one conversation. and when or if we did (i know we tried to speak to people later) we were told we were wrong, and immediately corrected.. and then we never got to finish what we were saying.
and then people finished, and everyone left the missionaries to do the dishes. I am not sure how that happened. but i felt bad for them.
and then everyone went home. no games. no movies. nothing. do the dishes and let's not stay any longer than we have to and associate with anyone. it was awful. i hated it. so then we left and it was just terrible.
thanksgiving is supposed to be about being together as a family.. about enjoying each other's company, about playing games, or watching movies or watching - shudder - football or something like that. but nope. it was nothing else. tom fell asleep in fron of the football game while the elders washed the dishes and everyone went off and did their own things.
i even asked mom earlier this week what her plans for after dinner were. and she insisted that she wanted no pressure, just let people do their ownt hing. 'maybe well do family history.' which i just shuddered at. i dont have that desire to do family history with them. they are all just far too high stress and uptight. it's repeating the same information a dozen million times and of course somehow i'm going to be wrong... it's also all somethign that's already been done. it's not really a two person job by any means. i'd rather do it by myself or with rylan.
so thanksgiving was crap. sorry folks whoever reads this. the effort was nice and the food was good but lacking in the family togetherness department. i almost wished we had gone somewhere for vacation now, just to avoid it all. there weren't even any decorations. the 'good china' was used and that was fine. but then we had paper napkins. and absolutely no decorations save the thankful tree which didn't get used as much as i had hoped. but at leats it didn't end up naked.
holidays just seem to be weird with my family and us. we end up feeling ignored, belittled, condescended to, talked over, or constantly being corrected so we dont speak because we're just going to be wrong again. so why make the effort? (even with the apron i made for kyla's birthday, immediately peopelwere saying that i should have made it differently, or made it wrong... and that they'll just fix it later on. it's a bit upsetting to be told that after you put that much work into something that its wrong and we'll fix it...) id rather just let them do everything themselves then...
i desperately love my family. they are very interesing and dear people. but i get tired of being told how to live my life, how to run everythig or what i should. i want to live our own lives, and get things sussed out... i dont always want to be in their shadows.
i was in a car accident this week. long story short - fender bender, dumb mistake but i did what i thought i should have been doing, but it wasn't obviously, or else there wouldn't have been an accident.. no one was hurt. like i said, fender bender, for the otehr party. our little goldie will most likely have to go to the happy honda hunting grounds. the damage appeared superficial at first but when id rove her home i could feel there was something wrong with her. dad didn't believe me but he agreed to drive behind me in case something happened. got home. Rylan wasn't mad! but understanding an amazing like rylan is.. he took it for a short drive the next morning and he reaffirmed what i had said. There is something definitely wrong... and it wasn't just superficial.
but its that feeling of always being doubted, always being second guessed.
we're looking for a car now, and dad said well,. drive the beetle. (you have no idea how much i would love to drive the beetle. but she's a standard and for as much as i have tried, i really dont feel comfortable driving her at all. i would rather not drive a car im not comfortable driving. i know i could cause an accident that way.) i told dad no, and rylan said how uncomfortable i was about it.. and dad just gave me that look of, 'wimp..' and i know its a silly joking thing, but i dont like being made fun of laughed at because of my decisions or what i want to do. even earlier, we stopped and looked at a car.. and the man said ' are you a Lane?" i said yeah. and we asked about the car. it was a standard and i grumbled. and the guy said, "hold on, you're a lane. you're supposed to be able to drive anything..." i told him by the time i learned, my parents only had automatics and because my siblings were bad drivers, the insurance company balked at me getting my license....
somedays i just want to get away from that. that whole thing of 'well you're a lane...' or whatever. i love them i just get tired of it all...
rylann and i are just very very different from both of our families. and i'm not sure how we fit in.
so that was thanksgiving. i have alrady pondered having it here next year, if we are here. who knows. but do i want that stress? maybe who knows...maybe we coudla rrange it so it wasn't stressful.
oh forgot. then i got a phone call from rylan's mom and learn, through random conversation (asking how everyone is, as is polite custom with the in-laws) that his eldest sister is in the hospital with a blood clot in her leg and has been there for two days. this is rylans dearest sister. she always included him and made him feel welcome. and she has a clot in her leg. the meds arent working yet. so we're crossing our fingers and saying prayers - keep us in yours too would you? they think that it may have come from the birth control pills she was on. the same ones i used to be on. ortho tricyclin lo..... and it just amde me shiver... and then ilearned she had other problems and i had to wonder what doctor would give her birth control pills with her other ailments. bad bad things...
so that was our thanksgiving. i hope yours as better.
but i am grateful and thankful for all of you who read this, all what three of you guys? and our friends andfamilies, jobs and the gospel and so many things. this stuff is just temporary isn't it?
