december 28

i feel so lonely. i dont know why. i just do. christmas break is always hard for me: rylan's working, and i'm not. so i just end upw atching garbage on tv (vh1, or E!) or being online for no reason...i noticed a tingling sensation down my one arm... and it had me worrid about it possibly being relate to my heart (have a mild heart murmur). so i went to the doctor and thas what she told me. either arthritis or carpal tunnel. i'm 26 yrs old and might have carpal tunnel syndrome. part of me wishes i hadn't gone. grrrrr. what the heck!
i feel stuck. i dont know why. but i feel stuck. i think i say this a lot and feel this way a lot. grr. and i dont know what to do.
went to take kyla home tonight. mum is having surgery tomorrow so she couldn't take kyla back tonight, so she (kyla) was upset. i was called in.. and the minute i got int eh car kyla took my hand and nuzzled it under her chin and against her neck... i leaned over to her car seat and sang to her.. and we just we together. she's my girl. i love her so.

christmas surprise

just a quick posting.

dad loved his belt buckle (shaped like waffles with two slabs of butter on it)
mom loved her bath stuff (some bath bombs and body butters that smell like various ice creams) and her LOTR puzzle book
tom loved his naked homer pj pants
sara loved her 'dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off' apron
sara and tom loved the triplets of belleville dvd and soundtrack
kyla loved the fun bath foam
rylan loved his slippers and shaver

and oh my...

my parents gave my sister and i a spinning wheel. yeah an actual spinning wheel. like sleeping beauty. sara and tom are getting sheep in the spring for the farm with a llama. so we'll be able to spin the wools. sara wants to get into dying the yarn and so forth. wow.
sara and tom gave me a shortbread dish, with the scottish thistle imprinted in it. gorgeous. made in england.
rylan gave me a car stereo for nessie the nissan, and a short that says 'i Is a kollege stoodent' on it. and an SNL best of JOhn Belushi collection.

wow.

ellie is feeling better. she had us scared for a little while.
rylan is feeling better too.
dad's still sick and so is sara. and tom's back is still sore from pulling it at work.

thats the update for now.

christmas eve

it's christmas eve and it doesn't feel like christmas. it just doesn't. i dont know why but this whole season has not felt at all christmas-ey. and i hate it. christmas is supposed to be about giving, and kindness and all of that stuff. but its so empty right now. it feels like just another day and it's not.
everyone in my family is sick. i've recovered. but dad is sick, sara is sick, rylan is sick. even our beloved ellie puppy dog is sick!!! and i dont know how to help her. she whimpers like her hips are hurting her. and she's been holding her poop. so a little constipation there, but we're working on that. but she's even hidden from me. a true indication that she doesn't feel well. i've had to carry her more than often than usual (i usually never have to carry her), and she's in pain. we gave her some baby aspirin, half a dose to help ease the pain. and then we're going to call the vet monday morning and get an appointment made. huge sad faces and worried mommy expressions now.
i have to wrap rylan's gifts yet.
i dont know whats going to happen tomorrow. part of me just wants it to pass and be gone. the whole family part of it is just strained like that. so yeah.
i wonder where we will end up when rylan graduates. i really dont know what to expect. and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. for lack of a better term, uncomfortable.
part of me feels like i'm waiting for my life to get going. for thigns to tart happening. but i dont know what to do about it. so i'm stuck. i'm stuck in tunkhannock, a town that is pretty but scares the heck out of me. i dont want to stay here or end up here. i want to get out of here. i'm clammering. i want to move out of state perhaps. out of country perhaps. i want to find a great job, get published, rylan get a great job.. have us get health insurance.. pay off our loans. be able to have our rose gardens, and herb gardens and not have them get eaten by critters, or by anything else or stumped from growing..
i guess that's where i always seem to stand lately. i guess...

maybe the new year will bring better options and ideas than the ones i have right now.

things i am grateful for

to avoid just having a rant everytime i am here.. things i am grateful for/blessings:

1. my rylan (words can't express how grateful i am for him, and everything he does for me and for us..)
2. the gospel and my testimony
3. my jobs that i love/rylan's jobs
4. being able to pay our bills
5. tithing
6. rylan getting a deer in deer season - we have food in the freezer
7. our new (to us) nissan sentra - nessie the nissan -to replace our beloved Goldie the Honda..... we had almost given up on finding a car more in our price range, when we happened to stop someplace and they sai they had just bought a car - it wasn't even home yet from the auction.. we stopped on the way home from our erands, drove it and told them not to sell it. it was in our price range - insurance paid for it almost entirely save 86 dollars as opposed to the saturn which would have been a thousand or more out of our range....talk about a blessing!
8. our warm home.
9. our families, blood and better than blood, kith and kin.
10. educations
11. food on the table
12. ELLIE! (not in any order, because she should go WAY up there at the top)
13. our knowledge of being able to do things for ourselves. we will never be cold because i can make quilts, scarves, hats and working on mittens.. and we will never be hungry because rylan can hunt well and we can garden, and we can both cook..
14. dayquil/nyquil and chloroseptic cough drops...(i'm sick right now with a killer head cold transforming into a chest cold.)

thats all for now...

semester is OVER!

yep thats right. the semester is over! Thank heavens! I got all my grading done yesterday. ALL of it. so i just have to send in grades and i'm so done. :) it is such a relief. I loved the two schools, and I loved the challenge, but it was hard. I am on board for next term, again doing two sections at both schools. I told luzerne if theyw ere desperate I'd do three, but my first choice would be two. The money would be nice, but I worry about burning out. that would have me grading about 100 papers every week to two weeks. I want to make sure I can be a good teacher, and not jeopardize the quality of my classes.... And i'm just a little hesitant.
It snowed last night. and this morning. we're looking at about ten inches of snow. Most of the schools around here are closed. my love was still going to go into school to hand in some papers. he's one of those peopel who mocks the weather, and has since he's gotten here. "i've seen worse in utah..." "This is nothing..." all of that. he'll go running with his track teacm or cross country team in a blizzard and think its ok. (we had a long discussion that night.) so he was going to go into school, even though the roads weren't touched and still havent been touched. i was trying to persuade him not to. youknow the roads are stills now covered. and it's not safe. he's not hearing any of it.. then i look over tot he tv for school closings and his school had just closed! HA HA! yo're not going to school today! i was quite happy... he stil has to go to work this evening, but at least by then the roads will have been treated and cleared.

so i am looking at music cds... just sampling new ones. i have heard James Blunt on vh1 or mtv a couple times, and in a restraunt an wow.... so i'm all looking for stuff like him, or things that might be related and finding some good stuff. Christmas is coming... :)

car search still happening though we have a few prospects that are more in our price range. and with the semester being over the commute isn't happening every day, so the car isn't as pressing right now, but it is still needed...

rylan and i have a habit of cooking or baking late at night, just before bed... i dont know why but we do. so we've cleaned the kitchen and all of that just to mes it up again before bedtime. it coes with really enjoying cooking and baking. th kitchen's always in turmoil from the last project. and yes, you might say, 'if you were a real cook, y'd make sure it was spotless..' and i'd say well if you were really perfect, you'd have wings right now and not touching the ground... so stowe it. :) with all kindness and charity.

so off to do snow day stuff.. work on a nativity quilt block, clean the kitchen. yoga! (can't /wont run in this) and that sort of thing. :) mayeb make some soup? we used up the leftover salmon in the scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast (had it at tea and sympathy in new york once and it became a favorite of mie.. one of the only ways i'll eat eggs willingly.) (www.teaandsympathynewyork.com)

where does the line go

so today is sunday and i am home from church earlier than usual. in all honesty i left church.
sacrament meeting was fine. cuddled with kyla during the hymns, singing and helping her read.
then i went to gospel doctrine/sunday school. and today's lesson is on the churcha nd the government. why as members of the church we should be active in the government blah blah blah.. how we choose our leaders...
it could be an ok lesson, a lesson appropriate and good. all of that. keep in mind that i dont have the typical mormon views. i am more liberal than most. i am someone that doesn't necessarily think byu is the greates school ever. i am someone that doesn't always feel that religion has a place in education. and the idea of a theocracy sometimes scares me. which is why i am anti church involvement in government because id ont want something i love so much and feel so strongly about the be pulled through the mud and to become corrupted. and yeah i know that it is the church of christ and it is perfect.. the kicker is the church is perfect - but the people are not. some people are trying, but people are imperfect. it would be ideal if everyone was doing everything they could and everything they should but we all know that there are people who aren't. so i am hesitant to vote for someone just because they are LDS....
so it started off good, talking about what the government is for. why it is good.. it set up to protect people etc... in the back of my mind i am thinking, it is good and allof that when it is run by righteous people, but we know that the government has become corrupted. we know that it is not as perfect as it could be. gone are the days of noblemen like washington, jefferson, loncoln. yes they weren't perfect. we know thomas jefferson and his slave sallie hooked up and had posterity. yeah whatever. but it was the idea that the men were patriots. i dont know that we have any left. and that bothers me. i dont know that i have a government that i believe in.
so we had class.. and immediately someone started talking about how the government is there to punish the criminals... but then there's a mopb of 100 men who kills people and nothing is done..what about that? and it was just irritating. (the murders of joseph and hyrum smith are recorded int he doctrine and covenants section 135. today's lesson on the government was in doctrine and covenants section 134.)
we talked about how do we get involved with the government. do we tryt og et out of jury duty or do we serve? the righ answer is 'we should serve'. my answer is i get out of it because my brother is felon, he was the defendant in a court case, my father in law is a fire chief, and we know police officers and MPS. all enough to get you excused from jury duty.
then we get intot he point of how do you choose your next candidate? someoen brought in well you should get to know them, listen to them... that sort of thing. and i started laughing out loud. and the teacher looked at me. i siad, 'its all well and good to listen to them, but we come into a problem when someoen can't string two words together.. i watched the debates, and neither one of them, ever, EVER answered a question. they allsmoke screened, dropped names and evaded the questions.. the biggest thing we have to rely on is we have to study it out in our minds, pray about it and follow the promptings. and if you dont feel you can vote for either one, then write in, or leave it blank...' i didn't tell them i voted thatw e should returnt o britain and a monacrhy with a parliament and all of that because i think we screwed up so miserably over here.
and then th class started getting more into, wel should we run for governor.. and how one man, a state rep form PA actually resignd because he oculdn't stay in his job and maintain his honesty.. and someone said 'wellt hat didn't accomlish anything..' and i wanted to smack them. so i walked out of the class.
i went out and sat in the hall way and read my scriptures and came home from church when mum took my sister home. the answer i gave as to why i was out int he hallwas i didn't feel like getting into a governmental debate in gospel doctrine class. and thenin the car, i appreciate sara's advice, was well you are responsible for your spiritual experiences. you are responsible for that class too, . but i had heard it all before.. i appreciate the advice, and i know its sara's job as the big sister, i just had heard it word for word before.. and i just wanted to go home. i felt that my objection by leaving was enough.. but i guess iw as supposed ot stay there and endure it and all of that. i dont see a point to it.
i know my general opinions about the government are different than others. i also dont see why if someoen should protest at BYU theys hould be arested. save for the fact that it's BYU and private property and a religious institution? i just chock it up to being BYU and you just dont do those things at church. therefore you dont do them at byu? i dont know..
i just really think government should be discussed carefully in church if at all...

i guess i know i'm different. i can discuss the bible and book of mormon as pieces of literature. i have respect for and appreciation for other religions. my favorite saint is st jude (and mother theresa though she's not been cannonized, yet...) i think judaism is gorgeous and i think there is so much to learn from the buddha and all of that. i'm very open minded about a LOT of things. and it seems there are a lot of people around me who aren't. it seems like it gets me in toruble, or mixing the pot... it just gets hard.

but on a happy note.. we looked at a car yesterday - it is official our goldie is going to the happy honda hunting grounds tomorrow... the car we looked at is a saturn sc 2 coupe, 1997... a little racer. and rylan really likes it. i like it too. so we're thinking about it and praying about it and making sure before we do anything. but we'll make a decision very soon.

and i just got to chat with one of my dearest and best friends online who i miss desperately. and it was nice.. :) he and his wife moved away for the military.. but they are still very very dear to us...