3/27/06

i'm sitting in work, in my office and i just dont know what to do. i really dont want to be here. i'd much rather be out, or home, or writing, or working on something.
and i'm here.
i have just having a hard time, figuring out whats going on anymore. but i just know i want to be home.

i quilted last ngiht. and i know i say it every time. but i dont know what can be more relxaing and therepeutic than handquilting. clears my mind, calms thigns down. the scartching sound of the needle against the fabric, the gentle pop went it forces its way through and then the sigh as the thread is pulled through the fabric, tightening it together.

am slowly training for a 5k. i'd like to do one. i'm working on it.

aol is down so i can't im my friends who i usually do, sorry folks..

and thats about all.

a newspaper clipping

i saw this on another website i go to.. on Livejournal,. so i lifted and am posting it here. who knows if anyone will read it. but here you go.


Mormons accepting MormonsAn article from today's Daily Universe, opinion section (BYU's newspaper).Viewpoint: Mormons Accepting MormonsBy Lisa Ruefenacht - 21 Mar 2006

I'm a Mormon.You might not guess it by looking at me, with my short purple black hair, penchant for dark eye makeup and extreme dislike for most things preppy, but I am.I believe in this church. I might even serve a mission. But since I came to BYU two-and-a-half years ago, I realize more and more that I do not fit the Mormon norm.My parents, lifelong Latter-day Saints, raised my four siblings and me in the heart of Bay Area suburbs, Walnut Creek. We stood out for that. Five kids in six years may pale in comparison to some Utah families, but in California it made us a mini circus.In elementary school, other kids on the playground started swearing, using words my parents taught were bad and unnecessary in everyday speech. Junior high behavior worsened, as my peers' sexual awareness heightened and weed and cigarettes were easily accessible. High school reached the climax. At least a quarter of my graduating class snorted coke on a regular basis. Sex was commonplace. Underage drinking was a weekly activity for some, nightly for others. For a few girls, lingerie became an acceptable form of clothing. Needless to say, I was happy to escape it all and come to BYU, where everyone would be accepted, and I would feel a kinship and instant camaraderie with half the people I met.I never expected to struggle so much with my identity as a Mormon and in defining what Mormon actually means once I started school at BYU. Uniformity in appearance and mentality seemed rampant among the student body, and oftentimes I found people regarded those who dressed differently, even people from other races, as freaks. At home, being Mormon unified us, regardless of race, type of car, hair color and other superficial judgment tools people use. A girl could have three ear piercings and still be respected; a boy could have dreadlocks and be regarded the same way as the clean-cut returned missionary. Our ward was comprised of Asians, Democrats, Caucasians, Republicans, Hispanics - an endless gamut of diversity.This leads me to a question; How are we, as members of the Lord's church, going to fortify Zion without open-minded and loving acceptance of everyone who considers themselves Mormon?The other night I was at a friend's apartment with her and her sister, when my friend's roommate came home complaining about a construction worker who was hitting on her in an inappropriate and downright creepy way at her work. As soon as she said "construction worker," my friend's sister blurted out, "Oh my gosh, was he Hispanic?" I doubt she even realized the underlying gravity of what she said.More church members live outside the United States than within, presently, with Hispanics as the fastest growing demographic. Because of their highly religious background, these people embrace the truthfulness of the gospel faster and more intensely than any other group. Generalizations like that girl's might ultimately keep church members from unreservedly embracing everyone as "Mormon." Neglecting the elimination of mindsets such as this girl's promote physical and emotional segregation from our brothers and sisters both in the church and out.Similarly, church members in our community now feel alienated, even though they identify with the religion 100 percent, because they simply do not mentally align with traditional Mormon culture. Some people regard those not married at a young age (say 23 or younger) as "old maids" or unmarriageable. Are these people any less Mormon because they don't marry until they're a little older, even as "old" as 30? Is Sheri Dew any less Mormon because she's never been married? How about people who drink caffeinated soda? Can we shun these people for such a measly choice?This is fact. A few years ago when a friend of mine from California moved into the dorms, her roommate's mother requested a roommate change, merely because my friend was from California and must have been one of those liberal Mormons. Whether or not these allegations were true, my friend was hurt from being judged so prematurely, naively and (I am asking for it by adding) immaturely.I'm not sure why people are this way. Perhaps stereotyping and judging people on shallow characteristics is something innate in everyone. Nevertheless, our religion should unify us while our cultural differences enhance our abilities to love unconditionally.

3/20/06

am watching sections from A Mighty Wind... i am going to probably show a scene from it in my one class. we'll see. theres some really fun and pretty music in it. When I'm next to you.. and the other one that mitch and mickey sing together. the cool thing is that they sang it at the scars when it was nominated. very cool.

i am 27 now. this weekend was my birthday. i finally feel comfortable in my skin. not entirely mind you but certainly feeling better.

this weekend we went to a maple syrup farm with kyla and mum and saw the horses and the alpacas that sort of thing. it was nice. but it got so cold that we had to leave early, kyla was just a little icicle.

and the weirdestt hing.. things are good. things are fine. no major crises. bills are paid. rylan's applied for two jobs that are in his field and look very promising. we are stillt hinking if we want to be here permanently or not... but things are good.

for my birthday my husband gave me the whole first season of X files on Dvd. (yes i had a crazy crush on David Duchovny.. still do..) and the dvd Millions. fantastic film. if you havent seen it go and watch it right now. and a giant bag of cadbury mini eggs. happiness in a bag
kyla made me a quilt. very cool :) i'm goingt of ind a place to hang it on the wall.
my parents gave me some beautiful earrings.. and a lesson or class at the manning farm in spinning. very cool stuff..
rylan and ia re still figurig out what we want to do. where we want to end up. but things feel good. part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. but who knows. why wait for the bad when there's good around.

saint pats

this isnt' even about saint pats. jus t aquick note.
i havent forgotten my scripture challenge and that shall probably show up tonight.

this past spring break i made a quilt. all out of denims and flannel shirts from my friend bob (dr alden's husband). i started it the 6th and i finished it entirely and put it on the bed last night.
it was done by machine, hand tied and the binding was hand sewn, but those are both because they have to. it's a queen size and it looks awesome.

this has been a good week. beautiful weather, good driving. just lovely...

so all is well.

1 nephi 19-22

19:1-3 nephi tals about being commanded to include ome parts of his father's records on his own plates and not knowing why. later we now that martin harris lost the book of lehi. if nephi had not included that which he was commanded to, we'd not have allof that.
vs 10 nephi speaking messiancially. in vs 10 he mentions other prophets who have spoken messiaically but we dont have their records.
in vs 6 he says that these records (there's two) one shall contain that which is spiritual and sacred, and one shall contain the secular. he then says that often people trample under their feet that which is sacred, those things of god. then if you look at it, he mentions those propehts who have spoekn messincially - zeons, zenock, neum. nephi quotes zeons quite a bit. where else in the world would we have mention of their names, or of their revelations? the allegory of the olive tree comes from zenos or zenock (I will correct when i get there).. things that were trampled under the feet of men? things that men did not see as being sacred? things excised?
vs 18 nephi says he writes thesethings that they mnight remember them.... that they are of great worth... that includes zenos and zenock etc... so more records to come forth? article of faith 9? i think of when joseph smith returned the plates to cumorah, in the hill the cave that opened up and the stack of plates and lates that were all around the room that would some day come forth...

chapter 20-21 nephi teaching out of isiah to try to soften his brothers' hearts.

22:8-9 restoration of the gospel.
vs 11 gospel must go forth among all the world.
vs 31 ye need not suppose that only my father and i have prophesied of these things... nephi right there saying there have been other prohets, other records...

1nephi 12-16

1 nephi 12: vision continued.
nephi sees his descendants, and wars between the people of the lamanties and the nephites.
vs 6 sees coming of christ, 12 apostles and 12 disciples. purposes in judgement.

vs 16-18 direct decoding of some specific parts of the tree of life vision.
there's a loit of abrahamaic covenant stuff or language like that in this chapter.

1 nephi 13: vs 5 we are introduced to the agreat and abominable church.
vs 12: columbus' voyage
vs 13 age of exploration.
vs 13-16 pilgrims
vs 17 england
vs 18 revolutionary war
vs 19 usa established
vs 20 the bible shows up
vs 24-29 more on the bible. it once contained the fulness of the gospelm, but it has been altered and many plain and simple things were removed from the text. in vs 29 it says without these plain and precious things, many STUMBLE. i liked the word chouce there of stumble, its how we travle in the dark, the trus dark, not the dark int he city where there is stilllight from the buildings or street lampos. but the dark out int he woods, or out in the middle of nowhere... we stumble around desperate to find a lightswitch, a match, flashlight and thin of our relief when we find that match or flashlight. we gather around it, we bask in the little light we have. so without those plain trusth many stumble, wandering in the dark...
vs 34-36 purpose of tha plates is made clear. book of mormon
vs 39-42 book of mormon and other books of forthcoming revelations? article of faith number 9, check it out.


1 nephi 14:25-26 the vision is being continued, . The angel speaks of jophn the revelator, and how when john wrote the revelation downi t was easy to understand. this would indicate that it was altered, meddled with and changed. rarely do you ever hear that revelation ise asy to understand.
vs 25 nephi is shown the same revelation but told not to write it down.
then in 26 the angel says that others have seen the same revelation and have been commanded to write their visions to maintain its purity truth and to be revealed at a laterlter time.

1 nephi 15:9 laman andlemuel are complaining because they dont understand a revelation or a lesson given by their father (about an olive tree) and Nephi asks them, Have you asked? and they reply, NO he makes no such things known unto us.
doubting that God would even reveal to them what it means, doubting god's ability or willingness to guide them. Why wouldn't he make such things known?

vs 12-18 note the similarities to the allegory of the olive tree in jacob 5.

1 nephi chapter 16
vs 1-3 nephi is teaching his elder brothers. they took the words to be hard. the wicked take them to be hard things.
but then in vs 3... nephi comments that if only you were able or willling to righteous and willing to hearken to the truth you would not take them to be hard.. so righteousness is in our attitudes. in our humility.... in our willngness to be gentle.. someties wethink that somene is just righteous but we dontthink that is an active thing, we are tryign to be righteous or not being righteous in our attitude. think back tot he saints who had to go through such trials, those were hard things one could say, but to others, theyw ere willing, it was because they wanted to be righteous.

vs 5 nephi had had a vision of the wickedess of his brother's seed, but even here he still had hope.

vs. 10 the liahona shows up. refer back to 1nephi 3:7. how does the liahona work? and we see that God will make certain there is a way to get those things accomplished as he needs. observe how it worked.

vs 16. liahona directed them where to hunt. if it is important to uis, the spirit will guide us. hunting mays eem like a little thing, but if it is important for whatever reason, we can be guided....

vs 18-25 nephi and his brothersgo hunting for food for the families. nephi's steel bow breaks. his brothers' bow strings have lost their spring. everyone save nephi complains. this includes lehi. nephi goes and gets a straight stick tio make into an arrow and then he makes a bow. then he goes to lehi his father (who'd just been complaining mind you) and says, ask the lord wher ei hsould go to find food. that shows humility in nephi, it als shows that even prophets have bad days. nephi woulc have asked god himself, but he knew the hierarchy. he shows respect to lehi by asking him to ask for him... it also remindslehi of his calling and of the humility he needs to have.

first nephi chapters 1-11

These are just brief notes.. (lack of proper capitalization is not meant in any way shape or form to offend or show disrespect..)

1nephi 1:1 - right off the bat, nephi says, 'having been born of goodly parents i was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father....' it talks immediately about the importance of parents teaching their children, from languages, to the teachings of the gospel. how important is it now that we see how hard satan is working to destroy the family.

1neph1 1:8-10 - note the level of descenscion.. brightness of noon day and then brightness of the stars being the apostles.

1nephi 2:2-4 - lehi and family leave jerusalem. talks about what they left behind. they were a wealthy family. and lehi left it all. to go dwell in tents. how willing would we be to do the same? because lehi was obedient to the lord he dod what was commanded of him.

1 nephi 2:7 - they're out int he wilderness and lehi builds an altar and offers sacrifices of thanksgiving. they just left allth eir welath and worldly possessions back in jerusalem. and he's thankful? shows how humble he was, and how intune with the lord's will he was.

1nephi 2:15 dwelt in a tent. shows humility.

1 nephi 2:16 - nephi's heart was softened that he did believe in all the words of his father.... nephi had to pray for that, he had to work on that belief. he didn't have it from the get go. his heart was softened. could he have had doubts up until this point? nephi gaining a testimony.

1 neohi 3:5 lehi says, your brothers say it is a hard thing that i have required of them, but it is not i that require it, but the lord has commanded it.... how often do we look at our own bishopric or leaders and not necessarily think of them as instruments in the lord's hands.. but as joe the mailman, not as a servant of the lord. nephi's response is the epitome of sustaining our leaders, i will go and do..... do we support and sustain our leaders with the same dedication? or do we let the humanity the person whose dirty laundry we know get in the way?

1 nephi 3:19-20 the importance of the the plates is three fold: 1. geneolgy 2. scriptures 3. language of their fathers (a teaching tool)

1 nephi 3:31 - lack of faith, relying on the arm of man. how often do we have this same response?

1nephi 4:2 i just watched discovery channel's Ramses wrath of God or man program. it was very cool and interesting. in it is posed the question, did moses really part the red sea? it is suggested as an option that perhaps the Red sea is a mistranslation from the Reed sea, indicating some sort of marsh. thinking on this, i looked to the book of mormon, which has only been translated once, unlike the bible.... and in it nephi makes reference to moses parting the Red Sea, indicating that he (nephi) knew about it, or of the accounts. If it had been a mistranslation, it's a lot further back than anyone expected. but i dont think so. if it was meant to be the reed sea, it hink here would have been the place for it to be. and it's not. it's defintely the red sea. by a second and a third witness shall these things be made known?

1 nephi 4:6 - showing trust in the spirit to guide.

1nephi 4:10-18 even nephi had a hard time following the spirit and counsels of god sometimes.

1 nephi 4: 32-35 - shows the cultural importance of oaths.

1nephi 5"3-5 shows how to properly resolve a conflict. sariah was upst and murmuring.. and lehi said, yes i am a visionary man..... but the three steps he took to comfort her were: 1. agree with her (yes I am a visionary man) 2. to explain (he went into what was going on) 3. and then to teach and tesitify. he did all those things and helped to calm her.

1nephi 7:14 - here we find a direct reference to jeremiah, the prophet of the old testament, and a contemporary of lehi.

1 nephi 11:7 - after lehi's done the tree of life vision, nephi desires to see it as well and to understand it. so he prays and all of that. and the spirit of the lord speaks to him in the form of a man, but nephi says that he knows it is the spirit speaking to him... and the spirit mentions something in verse 7 this shall ye have for a sign, that after you see the tree, a man shall decend out of heaven.. and then shall you witness that it is the son of god.
then in vs 14, after nephi has seen the tree, a man descends and starts talking to nephi. the scripture refers to him as an angel. no name is ever given. but if you look at verse 7, this angel would line up with being jesus christ. this is the one that teaches nephi about the condescension of god, about the crucifixion.. all of that.... the vision goes on for a few chapters.
so the angel is christ. (because we know the spirit testifies of christ, and it is a truthful spirit.. it's not going to lie, it follows the pattern mentioned in verse 7....)

so another challenge

i have given myself another challenge. i write it here, i dont know why but i am.

last year president hinkley challenged us to read the book of mormon before the end of the year. I read it twice by the deadline. one of those times i used the actual book. the other time i used a website called www.readthescriptures.com and they would email me my reading assignment every day.
the latter way worked well; i got through the book of mormon in about a month.
well after that i read the pearl of great price that way and that was lovely. but then i hit a wall. i didn't know what to read after that. i tried the doctrine and covenants and i just couldn't get into it. i know that sounds awful, but i think it's something that needs to be taken with a church history course. it doesn't do well just by itelf, or it didn't for me.
i did the gospel doctrine reading assignments for a while, but then i just kinda stopped caring. i wouldn't catch up and i just discontinued the sendings. (see previous posting on gospel opinion class)
so i didn't read for a while, and it's been bugging me a bit. i read every night with my rylan. we're doing the pearl of great price together and that's cool.
but tonight i just really felt the need to read. i saw a quote somewhere in another blog service in an lds community there, that said 'do you know jesus christ?' and it made me think... there's knowing about jesus christ and then there's knowing jesus christ.
so i started reading again tonight. thinking that if this book is the most perfect book on the face of the earth, translated once by divine guidance, and we've been promised that this book is relevant to our day, that it will help us draw closer to god and jesus christ than any other book, then i should read it again.
so i started reading it again tonight, but i have done somethign different than i have done so far. i am keeping a scripture journal. it's just little notes of things i come across while i read; jot them down and all of that.
i hope by doing this i will gain a better understading of the gospel. i want to be one of those gospel scholars, who just know their stuff, but also who just glow. the glow isn't just understanding the material, it's a deeper udnerstanding, a deeper testimony of it. it's the spirit working there. and that's what i want.
i may put some it online here too, i'm not sure how to do that seperately. but i might. or i just might label it as a scripture note session and if you want to check it you can. and if you want to comment on it, then go crazy.

on another note.. yesterday eylan, sara, tom and i all went to check out a a maple syrup operation at a local farm. very cool stuff.
boys are out camping.
and allt his week ihave been working on a denim quilt. i started it monday out of old jeans and my friend Bob's ol flannel shirts. i finsihed the top wednesday. took yesterday off. and today i added the borders and bought the batting, backing and safety pins to baste the whole things together. it woudl be fab if it would be able to be done by sunday but i dont know about that. but who knows. the entire t ime i quilted, i watched the lord of the rings trilogy, extended edition. very cool.
i shall have to post a picture of the quilt up here when it's all done.

geese

this morning is gray and rainy.
rylan has been tapping maple trees to make syrup. this weekend he'll start boiling his second batch of sap. possibly his last depending on the temperatures.

went for a walk with ellie this morning to the very very old barn foundation on the property. all that's left are a few low stone pillars semi mortared together, and the outline of the walls in rock. right int he middle of it is this magnificent tree. it reminds me of the tree and the great owl from the secret of NIMH, very gnarled, very old, lots of branches, some high, some low. it has always been one of my favorite places on the entire property.

on the way back to the house, i heard something and looked up. there above me was a huge V of canadian geese flying north.
spring is coming.

i have always loved the migration of the geese. i track the seasons by them. and whenever i see them coming back north, i am filled with hope. winter will be ending soon, spring will come.

it never fails to make me smile and cheer my spirit.

favorite scripture

i saw this on my start page, as a thought for the day... and it's one of my all time favorite scriptures. so here you go.

If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can'tyou stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb; And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands ofmurderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son,that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
Doctrine & Covenants 122:5-7

the weekend/movie review/deep questions

so this weekend was a trip to new hampshire to see rylan's twin sister, her new baby, erin's husband brian and to see rylan's parents. sunday was the blessing and rylan was invited to participate.
the drive is crazy. as much as i like the area, i am afraid i'd have a heart attack with the driving. just absolutely crazy. but the scenery is beautiful, and we made good time.
erin and brian are both very cool and we get on very well. it was lovely to see them again and visit :) the baby is sweet and darling.
things were smooth and calm, even though it is still a little odd that my in laws are just happy sitting around on vacation at someone's house. just weirds me out a bit.
they brought out a film called mobsters and mormons (rylan's parents) and said it was so funny and great and that they laughed every time they watched it. so they popped it in and we watched some of it. (we lost power a couple times thankfully..)
and i have to say, i couldn't find many things terribly funny about it. a couple spots were funny, when Rick picks up the paintball gun and shoots the wall with no problem while the adult is trying to explain techniques of holding the gun. ok that was funny.
but what i thought about as i watched it was that all it was was stereotypes of mormons. the lead family is the first counselor in the bishopric. he works at a Lowes type of place, his wife is young and pretty, and pregnant, blonde hair, cute and sweet as a tablespoon of maple syrup. the first counselor/husband's little sister lives with them because their dad is mission president in someplace.
there's the gossip who also happen to be the chorister, who thinks every meeting is a performance, and does a very overdone version of Families can be together forever in sacrament meeting...
the whole thing just seemed to be nothing but stereotypes about mormons and an underhanded way of teaching the gospel. the first thing out of someone's mouth when the 'mobster fmaliy' arrives in utah is "how many wives do you have?" and the agent goes into a history lesson about plural marriage. and then when the young couple (the counselor and his wife) go to 'friendship' the new family into the area and neighborhood you get the word of wisdom lesson "While although some members of our church choose to drink cola drinks, we have chosen not to...."
the scene in sacrament meeting with the counsleor ripping off the pulpit head and hitting the speaker int he head... no one would do that. it was irreverant and completely rude. the catholic church service scene was more reverant.
the characters were very naive, and a bit toothachingly sweet.
and what kept going through my mind was, is this the image we want to be portraying? this whole movie is full of inside jokes. it is very isolationist. these companies have carved a niche for themselves, catering to lds viewers, but at what cost? for us to allow these stereotypes to be reinforced? even to ourselves? between the stereotypes and the veiled church lessons/missionary tactics, who is this film for?
if this is meant to be a missionary tool, or for non members, then why are we reinforcing stereotypes and adding new ones? wouldn't it be better to have a well written script, without portraying characters as nothing more than caricatures, cut outs that can be filled by any person? caricatures are dangerous things. they are nothing more than stereotypes walking across a screen. they are everything that a good writer (play, film, author etc) strives against. these are not kind depictions; no stereotype is.

so my questions, why the stereotypes in the film, caricatures, what should we do about this? and why do we let this happen? why should we patronize a company that produces this type of material?
I have seen LDS films before. Rigoletto is still a beautiful film. It's not pulitzer prize winning material. music is beautiful, good moral. the writing is good. the questions don't come up because we believe in the world of the film. that suspension of disbelief was never present in Mobsters and Mormons.
I saw Mr. Krugers Christmas. i own it as pretty much every other Ensign Subscriber. And although you could almost boil it down to nothing more than a glorified music video, we believe the world of the film. It doesn't portray stereotypes. It's simple, poignant and not overly complicated.
So why is there such a market for material that is poorly written or done, for the lds community? why is there such a return to stereotypes, that aren't accurate and things we should be trying to dispel?
The Other Side of Heaven, which i was a little scared about and very skeptical about, handled allt hose issues well. handled the deal about no sex for misionaries. what their jobs were, all of that, in such a manner that it was palatable to everyone. that film could easily be seen as a missionary tool. I would not be embarassed to hand that movie out, or to recommend it. I would never recommend mobsters and mormons. ever.

The reason this impacts me is that one of my stories that i am thinking about writing is LDS. not based on the gospel but employing LDS characters and LDS setting. i want to avoid all of these things. It's not going to be a sweet toothachingly saccharine piece. so it makes me a little nervous to see what will happen when the piece is done and how will it be received?
i think of a quote by Orson Whitney in 1888, "We will yet have Miltons and Shakespeares of our own. God's ammunition is not yet exhausted."
I think we should be holding ourselves to a higher quality and standard. Just because it's LDS doesn't mean it has to be dumbed down, or strictly religious, saccahraine or sweet. There must needs be opposition in all things....

Input?

the blessing on sunday went wonderfully well.
i got to hold melanie, the baby at the house and she fell asleep in my arms. it is such a cool feeling. so peaceful. i taught her mother a lullabye that melanie seemed to like. put her to sleep or calmed her at least.
Cameron, Brian's son, and i got to hang out. we became quick pals.
i started another sweater because i ran out of yarn for my purple cardigan. so i'm making a big oversized comfy sweater with a cable up the front. Noro yarn. stripes, but very cool.

rylan's making maple syrup. very very good stuff.

And so is the first day of Spring break!!!!!