while listening to survivor far too loud

i have been doing a lot of thinking lately. i get in those moods every now and then. and i was reflecting on past relationships and i realized, some of them, some of my former boyfriends, i barely knew. there was one i didn't know well enough to buy him a suitable holiday gift. it made me wonder just what causes us to do things like that. he was the only one like that i didn't know well, but i was with him for more than a few weeks. which leads me to reflect even moreso, and think what did we ever do together? hung out, watched movies (he got me into some very cool art films) and stuff like that.
what is it about someone, romantically, or personally (non romantic to put it in an easier way) that draws us to get to know them? how do we just end up feeling like we've known them foreve, and others that we're never quite sure if we do or how well?
i have certain friends who i have met online (you know who i'm talking about) but it feels like i've known them forever. i've actually kown them longer than i have my husband. and when we finally did get to meet in person (this all sounds so cliche and very bad lifetime movie-ish) we stood there and cried and hugged each other. nothing had changed.
i have other friends who i haven't seen in years but we're still good friends and can pick up right where we left off last time we talked or spoke or whatever.

any ideas or opinions from the peanut gallery?

currently plahing in the background is survivor guatamala. my parents are watching it. and i can hear it clearly all the way down the hall. i am here waiting for some of our friends to arrive and the soon to follow giant lovefest to commence.

just had a chocolate milk that wasn't hershey's, or leigh valley, and i was badly disappointed. how can someone screw up chocolate that badly....it should be made into a crime.

September 29th

Yesterday my friend and I had tea. Had brunch actually. Complete with scones, shortbread and tea. and like she said, there's just something very civilized about it. we visited for over two hours. just catching up, talking about britain (she was born and raised in england), families, life, all of that.
tomorrow the mannings, my family of little brothers and little sisters are coming up (actually it's tonight) for barret (the youngest)'s baptism.
the mannings came into my life at a time when i absolutely hated the world. completely and utterly didn't trust anyone (or very very few) outside my immediate family. and they just showed up and loved on me. and ever since then they've been all my little brothers and sisters.. and my unlce bill and aunt brenda. one of my brothers, burke is coming up. he's just home from his mission i'm guessing and i can't wait to see him. and then katie! my ophelia! i can't wait to see her either.. :) we are so having a giant love fest.
it has been a quiet week. papers getting graded. decisions about writing. i have decided i need to revise my novel and do some more work to it.. and then maybe i'll get t hrough the second book. it feels like the characters from the first book have more to say. maybe that's it. that and fighting writers block.... i shall write through it...
i finished my first cable. (I knit.) i have been working on a cable scarf and i finished it last night. it's rylans and it looks quite smashing on him. :)
for now that has to be it. i have class in a few minutes, and although they hold the show for the teacher, they only hold it so long...

sept 24th

so this has been an interesting week.

first off, i have been teaching an introduction to the use of examples or illustrations in writing in my classes. to make the point that they aren't al simply personal stories, i showed the film "common threads; stories from the quilt.' it's following five panels from the AIDS Quilt, telling the stories behind each panel. (on an interesting point, each panel is three foot by six foot = the size of a human grave... makes you think doesn't it?)
by showing the stories behind each panel, we see different facets of the disease, those who are afflicted by it, bigotry that they may or may not have faced. all of that. the film was made in 1989, so it is dated. the AIDS quilt began in 1987 and was displayed i think in 88 or 89 for the first time...
Each time i watch the film i cry. it is something dear to my heart. a personal cause or project so to speak. so i have watched the film four times this past week. it took all week to watch it, half on each day of class accordingly. as my students watched the film, i could see theyw ere also affected. they were thinking. they were silent. they talked about it afterwards in discussions. and for some of m students, that says alot. (It's an important and beautiful film. Watch it if you get the chance. it's available via amazon.)
but what one of them said caught me off guard a bit. i guess i just thought we were past bigotry, and being close minded and stupid. after the film was over, in my last class (one of my favorite classes too!) we weret laking abot our impressions, the examples we saw, just discussing how it affected us, if it made its point etc.. and one of my students in the back said, but not loudly, 'they should have thought about it before they engaged in their practices.' and i asked him to repeat it. i wasn't sure i had heard him correctly. he repeated and i asked him to elaborate on it.. he declined. and it just struck me. they should have thought about AIDS before they decided to be homosexual. my students put him in his place a bit. at the time of the film and the stories being told, it was 1981. the very beginning of AIDS. no one knew what it was, no one knew it existed. so in that time frame, that's not a very legitimate question. Perhaps today it might be? i dont know. i dont think people are thinking about long term STDS when they decide to engage in their sexual practices.. it was kind aon the same level as saying about the kid who had hemophelia and got AIDS that way, as saying, "well he should have thought about AIDS before he decided to be a hemopheliac.."

so the AIDS quilt, or a portion of it, is coming to Keystone College. I am encouraging all of my students to go. I am hoping to work a few shifts at the quilt. I did when i was in high school and the experience has stuck with me. check out the quilt here: www.aidsquilt.org

what else. my boy is going to utah for a conference for school. hoping also he'll find some great job leads out there. (pray for us.) and i told him that we're going to scotland then in the spring or summer. we've gone out to utah almost every year we've been married. and for as lovely as it is, i get tired of it to a point. we get to go to his home every year. and i haven't been back to mine in almost 6 years. i came back June first 2000. so we're going. i dont know when specifically when we're going, but we're going. so help me.. i'm homesick like no body's business. am looking forward to it.

have been operating on a level just being knackered and exhausted. i could almost sleep through my dad's chainsaw cutting just outside our bedroom window.

working on my first sweater: for our dog. :) she better like it. *chuckle.* stocked up on yarn as our yarn store closes tomorrow.

that and watching the world go by.

a letter from Sharon Olds to Laura Bush

I got this via the nyu creative writing program alumni of which i am a part. Sharon olds is a PHENOMENAL poet and teacher there. (So this is not urban legend).

I read it and it struck a chord with me. and as i cannot email evryone in the world with it, i shall post it here, and tell people to come see it.

here you go.

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20051010/olds
Laura Bush, First Lady The White House

Dear Mrs. Bush,
I am writing to let you know why I am not able to accept your kind invitation to give a presentation at the National Book Festival on September 24, or to attend your dinner at the Library of Congress or the breakfast at the White House.
In one way, it's a very appealing invitation. The idea of speaking at a festival attended by 85,000 people is inspiring! The possibility of finding new readers is exciting for a poet in personal terms, and in terms of the desire that poetry serve its constituents--all of us who need the pleasure, and the inner and outer news, it delivers.
And the concept of a community of readers and writers has long been dear to my heart. As a professor of creative writing in the graduate school of a major university, I have had the chance to be a part of some magnificent outreach writing workshops in which our students have become teachers. Over the years, they have taught in a variety of settings: a women's prison, several New York City public high schools, an oncology ward for children. Our initial program, at a 900-bed state hospital for the severely physically challenged, has been running now for twenty years, creating along the way lasting friendships between young MFA candidates and their students--long-term residents at the hospital who, in their humor, courage and wisdom, become our teachers.
When you have witnessed someone nonspeaking and almost nonmoving, spell out, with a toe, on a big plastic alphabet chart, letter by letter, his new poem, you have experienced, close up, the passion and essentialness of writing. When you have held up a small cardboard alphabet card for a writer who is completely nonspeaking and nonmoving (except for the eyes), and pointed first to the A, then the B, then C, then D, until you get to the first letter of the first word of the first line of the poem she has been composing in her head all week, and she lifts her eyes when that letter is touched to say yes, you feel with a fresh immediacy the human drive for creation, self-expression, accuracy, honesty and wit--and the importance of writing, which celebrates the value of each person's unique story and song.
So the prospect of a festival of books seemed wonderful to me. I thought of the opportunity to talk about how to start up an outreach program. I thought of the chance to sell some books, sign some books and meet some of the citizens of Washington, DC. I thought that I could try to find a way, even as your guest, with respect, to speak about my deep feeling that we should not have invaded Iraq, and to declare my belief that the wish to invade another culture and another country--with the resultant loss of life and limb for our brave soldiers, and for the noncombatants in their home terrain--did not come out of our democracy but was instead a decision made "at the top" and forced on the people by distorted language, and by untruths. I hoped to express the fear that we have begun to live in the shadows of tyranny and religious chauvinism--the opposites of the liberty, tolerance and diversity our nation aspires to.
I tried to see my way clear to attend the festival in order to bear witness--as an American who loves her country and its principles and its writing--against this undeclared and devastating war.
But I could not face the idea of breaking bread with you. I knew that if I sat down to eat with you, it would feel to me as if I were condoning what I see to be the wild, highhanded actions of the Bush Administration. What kept coming to the fore of my mind was that I would be taking food from the hand of the First Lady who represents the Administration that unleashed this war and that wills its continuation, even to the extent of permitting "extraordinary rendition": flying people to other countries where they will be tortured for us.
So many Americans who had felt pride in our country now feel anguish and shame, for the current regime of blood, wounds and fire. I thought of the clean linens at your table, the shining knives and the flames of the candles, and I could not stomach it.
Sincerely,
SHARON OLDS

i love our dog

it's sept. 15th. One friend of mine is on his way to Moscow to tell stories from moscow to Perm Russia/Siberia. My other friend is preparing for her temple marriage, in the DC Temple tomorrow.

today has been quiet. it's nice to get those days. at school there was a fire in my building, so we all had to file out, and that sort of hting. no actual fire, but not a planned drill either. someone pulled the alarm. but all went well.

our puppy - she's actually about 3 years old, but she'll always be our puppy - is lying on the floor waiting for me to be done so i can go hang out with her on the couch. knit, chill with ellie - our puppy's name -, channel surf and wait for my boy to come home from work. i have to say it is wonderful having a dog. i'd never had a dog before her and she is perfect and lovely. she's sad when i have to go to work, thrilled when i come home, looks for me when she can't find me... when ic ome back to bed for a few minutes before i go to work, i hear her tail slapping against the sheets in bed, even though she's half asleep, she's happy i'm back. there's something comforting about waking up and feeling her pressed into my back, or belly, or behind the crook of my knees. she has to be touching you (the person she's with) somehow. always. it's just comforting to me..

so i have been thinking about my anorexia a bit this week. i revealed to a friend of mine about it. they hadn't known and they were stunned to learn it. i went to a website a friend of mine sent on to me: www.somethingfishy.org and looked around. it's all about eating disorders, how to deal with them, how to recover and repair, and all sorts of things. and i realized how far i have come to a point, but how far i still need to go. but it's all progress. one thing of progress for me is i refuse to own a scale. i will not own one. if i go to the dr's and they weigh me, i'm furious if they let me see it, because i will be traumatized for weeks. i know that i am maintaining my weight. i am still wearing the same clothes, same sizes, all of that. so that is how i tell.

but something that came up in the site was you have to learn to love yourself. and i realized what a hard time i have with that. just really truly loving myself for who i am. i dont think about myself a whole lot, i dont consider myself. so i dont focus on my good points, or strengths, or th ings i like about myself. and i need to more. so if anyone has any ideas as to how to do that, or any goodpounts to get me started, cause i'm stumped, let me know. (not pandering for compliments...honestly..)

thats all. hope everyone is well. ta

September 9th

It is Friday morning, and i am still sitting in my pajamas, writing here, try ing to stay somewhat current, listening to the playlist for Chrystal, and scanning the Ebay acutions looking for old 16mm films for an old projector. We were thinking of having a party, pulling out the film projector and showing the film on the barn. If i could only find a complete reel set of Bedknobs and Broomsticks! I found the soccer match in 8mm but not 16. so if anyone finds one at a decent price pick it up and i'll pay you back!

Classes are going better. I still have one clss that just doesn't speak. grr..
but all in all things are good.

I read a challenge this week on an LDS site i help to moderate and it said, to genuinely pray to have the spirit with you, to make a concerted effort with it and see what happened. and maybe it's propoganda, but i have noticed a difference this week, just a bit more peaceful. a little less angry, or worried or stressful, more grateful.
For some reason I feel more inspired to do things for my work, for my writing and for figuring things out for us, for classes, for everything else. That somehow, I dont know how or why or in what ways yet, everything is going to be ok.

(listening to RENT's La Vie Boeheme!)

Wednesday rylan gave me a terrible fright. i came home from work, had dinner ready. he was due to be home about 5:30 from practice. i waited. and waited.. and waited.. around 6:48 i finally jumped in the car and went off to look for him. i actually ended up passing him on his way home. his coach and he just ende dup talking and they lost track of time. I was so upset. not mad, just upset that he didn't call and let me know he was so late.. when he talked to his coach that night (yes, he talks to his coach at least once, somtimes twice a day) rylan gave me the phone.. and the coach said "whatever it takes to make you happy.." as in they will call if they are late.. all of that.. gave him a gentle lashing, jesting lashing.. and that maybe he should have called his own wife and let her know that he woudl be late. wives like that, cause you know we worry.. but their apologies meant a lot...

I found an old tape made by a guy who i knew in high school. I guess we were dating but I didn't know until afterwards. (I was a bit in the awkward oblivious stage in high school) and was listening to it. He is the one who introduced me to Janice Joplin, the Cheiftains (before I knew who they were, i just knew their voices disembodied from any names..). On it is this piece of African music, in a language i dont understand but i have to say, it gives me chills and thrills me to the bone every time i hear it. I just love it. it wakes up something in me that i dont know the name of yet but it is something very integral. i get the same feelings when i hear good international music. not the cheesey stuff, but good stuff.. authentic music. It is followed by a song called 'my husband's got no courage in him..' i'll let you figure out what that one's about.

So I keep talking about Chrystals' play list.. so here you go.

Moving Right Along – Kermit and Fozzie Muppet.
Lumberjack Song – Monty Python.
Defying Gravity – From the Wicked Soundtrack.
I Say a Little Prayer for you – My Best Friend’s Wedding.
Send me On my Way – Rusted Root. Gladiator Movie Quote –
Cottleston Pie – Rowlf The Dog (Muppets)
La Vie Boheme – RENT –
Faces La La La (I wish that I knew what I know now..) - i wish that i knew what i know now
Drum Trip – Rusted root –
Come On Eileen – Save Ferris.
African Alphabet – Kermit and an African Choir from Sesame Street – No Rain – Blind Melon –
We Are Family – Sister Sledge
The Origin of Love – Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Pure Imagination – Willy Wonka, Sung by Gene wilder
Good Mother – Jann Arden –.
Everybody Rejoice – The Wiz,
The Lottery Song – Fat Handsome. Kung fu Fighting – Jefferson Airplane
Sister Song – Rachel Sage and Ani DiFranco –
Bring on the Men – Linda Eder from Jekyll and Hyde
I cover the Waterfront – from Joe Vs. the Volcano
the Cowboy Song – Tom Hanks from Joe vs. the Volcano
Man of La Mancha – Linda eder –
Wheels of a Dream – from Ragtime
Ain’t no Mountain High Enough – from Step-Mom, I don’t know the original artists.. – The Highwayman – put to music by Loreena Mckennitt, but it’s an actual old poem
Handel’s Dream – Michael Mclean, from the Forgotten Carols
I’d like to visit the moon – Ernie from sesame Street
Harriet – Mike Myers from So I married an Axe Murderer
Natural Blues – Moby Sirens Singing – Oh Brother Where Art Thou
Istanbul – They Might Be Giants
You’ve got a Friend in Me – toy Story, Randy Newman
Inspiration – Fat Handsome –
One by One – The (Broadway) Lion King Soundtrack
Animal House Quote pep Talks –
Peace Train – Natalie Merchant –
One Song Glory – RENT –
Elmer Fudd sings Fire – robin Williams –
Conjunction Junction – School House Rocks, new Version
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Eric Idle from Monty Python –
This Year’s Love – David Gray – live somewhere in ireland.

i listen to it so much because it makes me smile, it give me hope and inspiration. its long cause she and her mom were driving to california from pa. so i figured i'd give her a lot to listen to...
i challenge you to listen to any one of these songs or tracks and not be movedb y them, not be affected by them. especially any of the lion king on broadway - the non disney-esque pieces. listen tot hemand not get goosebumps, or hold your breath..

so random question? what are the opinons of anyone reading this about the problem witheducation now? a re private schools the answer? charter schools? homeschooling? being in the education field and teaching at two colleges, is ee the problems coming up. ihad a student (no word of lie i swear!) who didn't know he was supposed to use a paragraph when he wrote. it hink i actualyl asked him "Where did you come from?!" just shocked that he could actually get to a college and not know that.
how do we keep the standards up for students to actually try, to be responsible, but also like anythign else, deal with the fact that not everyone is cut out for college. just like we aren't all made to be mathematicians, postal workers, or brick layers, not everyone is made or geared to be in college and academia. so how do we deal with it, and not lower the standards, but then not make it something for only the elite and go back a few hundred years in educational rights for everyone...? what are your plans for your children? i have a colleague who says when/if he has kids, they're being homeschooled. I figure its not because he's a crazy psycho person, but because the schools are falling short on their jobs...
just a random question for anyone.. for everyone..
have a brilliant day.

sept 2

it is official - summer is just about over. not meterologically, most certainly not. but for families and children, it's just about done. this monday is labor day, the unofficial end of summer. but ours came earlier - we started school this week. All Keystone College, Kings College, and Luzerne County Community College started classes this week.
things are going all right there. the drives are getting easier for me, parking is no longer the extreme headache it has been,t hough it will always be one, as there is so little parking at kings. Rylan's doing well. His first cross country meet is tomorrow at Misericordia i think? I am still amazed at what he does. he goes and runs eight mikles like it's not a problem and i just go DANG. I can run, but i never said iw as amazing. I do it cause i enjoy it..and it's all good, and i dont want to die. (just a few of the reasons.)

our local yarn store is closing. very very very sad face. so today i went and bought on sale yarn, knowing the ones i boght today wouldn't be there next time i went. that's how i rationalized going and doing it. so if anyoen wants good yarns and yo're inthe tunkhannocka rea, hit endless mountain quilt works before september 26th! after that they yarn store is no more. now i have to drive to clarks summit or buy the non wool yarns at wal mart..

but i think this week, like everyone else in the country and perhaps the world, i am just glued tot he hurricane damage and the fact that New Orleans is basically drowning. It's been days and days. I wanna say a week, but it's been days... no food, no drinkable non contaminated wont burn out your esophogus if you drink it water.... no clue as to how to even gett o where its safe. I am just stunned by what i see on tv, what oi hear on the radio. Anderson Cooper with CNN was saying that there were rats eating bodies in the streets. a dead body had ben inthe streets for 48 hours and the rats went to it.

Another story was strangly Faulkner-esque - having echoes to As I lay Dying.. A woman stayed in her house with her husband who was on oxygen. And as he started to run out, she went out to the streets to try to find someone to help, ambulance, something, anything. She found nothing. came back and he'd already passed away. So she wrapped him up, fashioned a small raft out of plywood and some debris-planks.. and floated him in the flood waters, trying to find anywhere to take him to be taken care of, to be stored, morgues, anything. One person helped her to bear this burden. There were times when the raft almost tipped and she had to rescue him.
I can't imagine that, having to bear the body of my beloved, having to float someone down a flood to find a place to bury or whatever... it just breaks my heart.

How can we as a country say we are so wonderful that our politicians are so in our favor and helpful, practically high fiving each other over their bravery, and the need for vacations.. when there were (and possibly still are!) 25,000-50,000 people in the convention center -aside from the Stadium (the Super dome? not the one in Texas where they have sent some, but where they went when they could leave New Orleans.. the dome in Texas has since gotten filled up and is turning people away...) that people didn't know about, that had no food, or water, or help. and that no one knew were there?
The broadcaster on NPR when he spoke to the guy from Homeland Security? or FEMA or something like that, on the radio yesterday, kept asking the offical about the convention center, asking whentheyw oudl ave water or food. The official kept referring to the refugees in the Dome.. and when the broadcaster corrected him, the official went asf ar as to say "I do not want to purport rumors... i have no knowledge of that so i dont want to start any rumors.." The broadcaster had their journalist on the other line in the convention center who was giving the broadcaster information. And again the offical said, they were rumors....

How can we support our government that is so proud of themselves for getting some food around.. when there's tens of thousands of people dying from neglect, starvation, lack of water... people being raped, murdered, places being looted. I think that the government has a bit of skewed vision of themselves right now. There seems to be so little being done on the government's part. The Red Cross is fantastic. Salvation Army! I am sure the LDS Church is doing something.. (I haven't heard yet, i haven't checked the website yet but we're good for that)
it is just so terribly sad.

And what about GAS??? how can we afford to go to work??? it jumped fifty cents yesterday. DANG.