rant, beware.

so you may or may not know that i dont handle houseguests very well. i dont handle houseguests well if i dont know them well. i have gotten better since my best friend came and visited for three days when were fourteen and we almost ended up killing each other. let it be said that i like my space and my privacy. some people i am comfortable enough to have with me and not have anys ort of problem with. some i'm not.

my in laws are coming for two weeks in may. and i want nothing more than to not be here when they are here. even if they dont stay here, which they aren't. thats' been made clear. they will stay in one of the apartments. they won't be here in the house.
rylan told me it'd be a week. a week. well today, it's now two weeks. and i ant nothing to do with it.
yeah whatever, you should get to know the,. yeah whatever, you should let them stay with you so you can get to know them. that's nice. good for you. gold stars all round. how will they get tok now you if you dint let them stay with you? again gold stars for you. how will you ge tot know them if you don't let them stay with you again gold stars for everyone. and i'll take the big black marks in my book. (what everyone has said to me.. and i hate it.) i prefer to get to know people from a distance. establish a relationship form there and maybe then go from there.
i dont take kindly to being stared at. thats what happened when they were here. they stared at me. didn't say a word. just stared at me. or changing chairs was the highlight of the day. so i put on my headphones and played my computer or did my work and didn't interact. i said i had work to do and i did it. i did my writing.. harry potter was a break thing. and there you go.
but what makes me more mad is that because they're coming right at that time is there's no chance of scotland. absolutely bloody none. rylan and i made a deal. that if he went to utah for the conference, we were going to scotland. so he went. and i have been hoping and planning and preparing and because of this, it's defunct. i feel betrayed. like he renegged on a deal. and yeah finances are tight. but it could be done. but he's just being a wet blanket on this. i am so close to going ahead and booking tickets for me and leaving him here while i go on holiday. because his parents being here is not going to be any sort of holiday or anything mildly enjoyable for me.
the trip to scotland has beent he one thing that has kept me going in allt he horrible times. the one thing that has kept my spirits up when i felt likeic ouldn't go on. i kept holding on to scotland. those few days of seeing my friends i havent seen in six years...or being ina place where i truly felt at home and where i felt i belonged... and it's been shot down.
and i hate it.

it costs money to move away. it takes money to survive. so for the time being we're stuck here until he gets a better job. or i get a better job. and my parents want me to stay here. because they'd miss us. and yeah i'd miss them ot. but this place, this town and the mentality frighten me. scares the crap out of me. i do not want ot get stuck in a place that i loathe, because i'll end up loathing myself. and then that will just become an awful thing.....