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august 24th. *music playing in the background is the playlist i made for my friend chrystal when she moved to california. i knew she'd be driving for hours on end so i made her a good set of cds.. Tom hanks was just singing the cow boy song from joe vs the volcano. a little silly and guilty pleasure movie but entirely underappreciated.. like comfort foods. like mac and cheese, or mashed potatoes with lots of gravy.

today i became official at kings college. got my id and parking permit. everyone thought i was a student. sometimes its ok. soemtimes it's a little irritating.

and then the picture didn't help.. i just kept thinking that my face looked fat. that my hair made me look fatter.. with my eating issues it just gets worse, some stupid things just trigger it. it doesn't help that it's been a struggle lately. it always is. comes and goes. its not nice when you loathe your body. it's a love hate relationship some days. i know i'm not built be to tiny. but i have to say there is something of a rush, of a thrill, even in a perverse way, when you see the scale tip under 100, under 90 pounds. and something in my mind, says look, i take up so little space. i can't bother anyone. i can fit anywhere... some sort of thrill, when you know that everyone envies you. that you can still where the tiniest clothes, shop in the young teen section of the store.. look at all the self control i have. look at how i can control everyting in my small world. i dont have to eat like you..

yeah it's pretty screwed up. but yeah that's also what goes on inside my head. anorexia sucks. eating disorders suck. but it's something i have. and i dont know all the time what to do with it. some days are better than others. and if i'm already having a bad day or a little uneasy or uncertain, then it just is an automtic. i eat now. and that is a big thing that i eat and i cook. and i try to take my frustration and control issues and allthat rubbish out in positive means like running or writing or yoga... i have been lucky to have only lapsed into bulimia once. so yeah. there you have it.

but today i became offical at kings. kinda exciting. i'm nervous about the drive and all of that. i'm stilld riving the honda. i was hoping to drive the beetle by this time but i just havent gotten it down yet. driving a standard, i still get flustered and nervous, and a little panicky. the stop and go traffic has me alittle worried. i worry that i would panick on the freeway and make some stupid mistake. and the beetle is supposed to be my car. the honda is rylan's. and i know he misses driving it. but i just dont feel comfortable driving the beetle yet. it's frustrating. grr.

did you hear that there are some scientists who want to import the cheetah, and the elephant and lion intot he american great plains? what the heck is that about?! i think they are forgetting that the climate is drastically different.

so today was a good day but frustrating. so there is some of my day today.
and in the midst of all this frustation walks in my 5 year old neice who just gave me a hug and brightened up my day. it's amazing how she does that. :) yay for neices..

the wrap up music: "Into the Woods Prologue" from themusical. swing music has been heavily in rotation, and i really want to to learn how to dance.. :)