christmas eve

it's christmas eve and it doesn't feel like christmas. it just doesn't. i dont know why but this whole season has not felt at all christmas-ey. and i hate it. christmas is supposed to be about giving, and kindness and all of that stuff. but its so empty right now. it feels like just another day and it's not.
everyone in my family is sick. i've recovered. but dad is sick, sara is sick, rylan is sick. even our beloved ellie puppy dog is sick!!! and i dont know how to help her. she whimpers like her hips are hurting her. and she's been holding her poop. so a little constipation there, but we're working on that. but she's even hidden from me. a true indication that she doesn't feel well. i've had to carry her more than often than usual (i usually never have to carry her), and she's in pain. we gave her some baby aspirin, half a dose to help ease the pain. and then we're going to call the vet monday morning and get an appointment made. huge sad faces and worried mommy expressions now.
i have to wrap rylan's gifts yet.
i dont know whats going to happen tomorrow. part of me just wants it to pass and be gone. the whole family part of it is just strained like that. so yeah.
i wonder where we will end up when rylan graduates. i really dont know what to expect. and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. for lack of a better term, uncomfortable.
part of me feels like i'm waiting for my life to get going. for thigns to tart happening. but i dont know what to do about it. so i'm stuck. i'm stuck in tunkhannock, a town that is pretty but scares the heck out of me. i dont want to stay here or end up here. i want to get out of here. i'm clammering. i want to move out of state perhaps. out of country perhaps. i want to find a great job, get published, rylan get a great job.. have us get health insurance.. pay off our loans. be able to have our rose gardens, and herb gardens and not have them get eaten by critters, or by anything else or stumped from growing..
i guess that's where i always seem to stand lately. i guess...

maybe the new year will bring better options and ideas than the ones i have right now.