may 15th 2006

a good friend gave me a quote that i need to post here..if you want to see a rainbow you have to stand a little rain.he said its from a country song but doesn't remember the artist, so it is now credited to Anonymous.but i'm trying to make it part of my philosophy.i was called as the Relief Society Secretary just recently and i have to admit that i am terrified. but if this is where heavenly father wants me, and if he'll show me what to do, then i'm game for it.next quote of the day..learn to walk from the light into the darkness and then the light will come. boyd k packer. my in laws are here. and it has been driving me crazy. granted i'm private by nature and even moreso with people that I dont know well or am still unsure of. i had to explain it to my love like this... its not that i dont like them.. its like a bottle of jack daniels. no one can sit down and drink the entire bottle on their first go with alcohol and not get sick, puke out their guts or whatever. its just not common and safe. you have to start them off with a few sips or beer, or wine on speical occassions.. build up to it. then after years of conditioning, they cans it down and drink a bottle of jack and not die.my in laws are like that bottle of jack daniels. i cant just sit and drink the entire bottle at one sitting. i'd die. i have to have small doses, do shots, or put it in mixers... or tiny sips... then i can build up to it.(this is not to endorse the consumption of entire bottle of jack daniels at one sitting. this is not to endorse alcoholism or underage drinking.. it was just one of the most obvious htings people have to build up tolerances for that i could think of..)and then he understood.i saw my husband hold our littlest neice this weekend. and i have to say that seeing him hold her made me fall in love with him all over again. ust seeing his interaction with her,t he way he cradled her... it was perfect. i look forward to that someday being us and him holding one of our babies...i finished my first sweater last wek and i have been wearing it this weekd. its been damp enough. i love it and works well. if i ever get a digital camera i'll post pics of it. until then its out of the stitch n *itch.. the cable sweater. in Noro yarn, kureyon color 128. its pretty cool. MY BOY GRADUATED COLLEGE SATURDAY!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!all for today.listening to sacred harp singers from the cold mountain soundtrack. how very cool..... check it out. Current Mood: gratefulCurrent Music: i'm going home - sacred harp singers from cold mountain..

its been a while again.

the semester is over. i'm getting ready to post grades. that will be nice to be completely finished. deep sigh of relief.

i have made my brother a quilt. well a top. the rest will happen another day. there isn't a rush on it as he wont be availablet o receive it for a while yet. but its my wish for him that he gets better that he learns from his mistakes, that he makes somethign of his life. no one knows i did it, save you folks who do or dont read this. i am not sure how mu family would react. some would probaly think it was so sweet, and want to get involved and crowd me out as has happened before. others may not be happy about, may still be mad at him, which they have every right to be. because i made him a quilt doesn't mean i'm still not disappointed or mad at him. i'm not mad anymore. sad and disappointed are more appropriate terms here. i just hope he makes something of himself.

i finished my first sweater! its gorgeous! lovely, entirely made by me to my specifications so it fits me and i love it. today i started the blocking process. it will be done tomorow. i'm all excited. i used the noro kureyon yarn, and did the cable sweater in the Stitch n *itch by toller. the first one not the SnB nation. andi love it.

this is the week when my husband's parents arrive. sigh. we shall see how it turns out. his twin sister is also coming this weekend with her family. i am looking forward tot hat as we get along fairly well. but its just going to be weird having his parents here.
but... my father has made an apartment available for them to stay in. its beautiful. all the amenities of home. larger than a hotel room would be, and more homey. i am sograteful that my father made this available for them to stay in and for my sanity to be preserved. they my husband's parents are lovely people. i just dont know them. and that is the hard part. i need space, i need to be able to on my own, not always someone over mys houlder or staring at me. and that was what happened last time. so yeah. we are trying to plan out some activities for them. they dont come with agendas which can be nice, but can be tiresome and irritating to those they are staying with. but as they are in the apartment they can do nothing as much as they want and it wont bother me in the least.

and oh my gosh michael killed ana lucia on LOST! i really think he's gone tot he dark side there.....

last night we had dinner with some dear friends of ours. i went to high school with john and we've just always been very dear friends. we were at his wedding, with eight other people. we went out with him and his wife, another good friend of ours..it has been so wonderfult os ee them again. they live in texas, he's in the airforce. we got word that he may be sent over soon to some political quagmire that we've gotten ourselves into and my heart just sank. i'm not patriotic, but the thuoght of my friend in such dangerous places stunned me into silence. i couldn't believe that he was ready to do this, that his wife was willing to let it happen. i know being in a military relationshp changes alot of things and you expectations... but wow.so the morning after as cliche as that sounds, my head and heart are still reeling. and all i can hope and pray for is that when he goes, he'll be protected. and that we can do all we can for his wife to take care of her and support her while he's away... my husband had a job interview yesterday. fingers crossed.... we should start hearing in a few weeks on the other job interview...the semester ends in a few weeks, and then everything else seems to begin...we've been in college or grad school for so long, its frightening to not be in that lifestyle anymore i guess. its comfortable.i am antsy to write again. antsy to be doing something creative. john requested a quilt. part of me wants to start it right now...all for now.

its been too long

its been too long it seems. but thats ok. its been a good thing to think and not be open to the public, though no one looks at this anyway :)
the challenges haven't changed. church still has good days and bad days. there are still days when i leave early or i dont want to be there and i just tune everythign out in order to keep my mouth closed so i dont say something inappropriate.

the ward is still very cliqueish. rylan said we need to be the peopel that we would like to associate with or be friends with. and i think we are. i am to apoint though that i dont trust a lot of people in the ward anymore. people think they know me, but they dont. they know what they see. but the people there dont see me except for in church when i'm not always very happy. so they dont know me. and many make no attempt to get to know me. so i dont. i kee to myself. i think though if someone made the effort to get to know me, or get to know us, then they'd be pleasantly surprised. i just dont know that many people take the time.

the ward does a monthly temple day tot he palmyra temple. we were asked yesterday if we were going and i said probably not. we usually attend the manhattan temple. and the man who had come in kinda gave a little lecture and almost a guilt trip. he went into saying that temple attendance is important and that we have 16 seats reserved every month for the next 6 months in tha temple. that there are enough members in the ward who are elegibile or who will soon be eligible to go to the temple... then they should be. and that there are blessings that come from attending the temple. he also went into saying that they decided to do the ward temple day as a way to build unity among the ward. and that we should all make an effort to attend the temple if we can. and did another pitch for the ward temple day.
i understand that temple attendace is important. thats no question for me. but we also can't often make our schedules fit that weekend every month. we often can't treat it as an ironclad appointment. and as to the ward attendance, i prefer to attend the temple with people i dont know. then i can focus on the experience rather than everyone being there. its not a social hour to me, so i dont reallyc are about attending with people i know or not. i won't be talking to them or dealing with them. and its such a private experience for me, i dont like sharing it with many poeple, again, the reason i like being anonymous.
i think its more important that we go where we are comfortable going... it just felt a little like a guilt trip and a lecture. i wasn't pleased. neither was rylan.
we're planning on going to manhattan this weekend anyway.....


i dont want to be the person that does everything that people expects me to do. i want to live my own life and not what people just expect me to. its my private rebellion, my private rage against everything...

i was reading in sacrament meeting (i do that more often than not) and my book mark for my scriptures, my friend anna from scotland had written the words, know this that every soul is free to choose his life and what he'll be..... a nd it just rang in my ears for so long. to choose his life and what he'll be... and then comes the iron giant's line :Choose.

so we're choosing. i'm choosing, trying to figure out what we are to do, what we should be. who we want to be. thinking about what, where when all of that...


i sent out two articles to MormonChic. it's an online lds newsletter. it's aimed at the Sisters (hence the Chic part) but its also geared towards a younger generation of RS sisters. that's one reason i like it. i feel i fit in better with it then what happens in relief society. they've received the articles and are reviewing them. they said that they'd be in touch. if they like them, they'll publish them, and i may end up writing for them. it could be interesting.

my grandmother continues to clean out her house.

spring has psrung. the daffodills are up. the snow drops have ushered in the season. yesterday rylan and i went for a walk and found ducks and geese all in the pond, swimming, very happily. it is a beautiful place we live in here.

i'm working on the sleeves for my sweater. :)

i am feeling at peace. it's unusual for me. but i like it.

3/27/06

i'm sitting in work, in my office and i just dont know what to do. i really dont want to be here. i'd much rather be out, or home, or writing, or working on something.
and i'm here.
i have just having a hard time, figuring out whats going on anymore. but i just know i want to be home.

i quilted last ngiht. and i know i say it every time. but i dont know what can be more relxaing and therepeutic than handquilting. clears my mind, calms thigns down. the scartching sound of the needle against the fabric, the gentle pop went it forces its way through and then the sigh as the thread is pulled through the fabric, tightening it together.

am slowly training for a 5k. i'd like to do one. i'm working on it.

aol is down so i can't im my friends who i usually do, sorry folks..

and thats about all.

a newspaper clipping

i saw this on another website i go to.. on Livejournal,. so i lifted and am posting it here. who knows if anyone will read it. but here you go.


Mormons accepting MormonsAn article from today's Daily Universe, opinion section (BYU's newspaper).Viewpoint: Mormons Accepting MormonsBy Lisa Ruefenacht - 21 Mar 2006

I'm a Mormon.You might not guess it by looking at me, with my short purple black hair, penchant for dark eye makeup and extreme dislike for most things preppy, but I am.I believe in this church. I might even serve a mission. But since I came to BYU two-and-a-half years ago, I realize more and more that I do not fit the Mormon norm.My parents, lifelong Latter-day Saints, raised my four siblings and me in the heart of Bay Area suburbs, Walnut Creek. We stood out for that. Five kids in six years may pale in comparison to some Utah families, but in California it made us a mini circus.In elementary school, other kids on the playground started swearing, using words my parents taught were bad and unnecessary in everyday speech. Junior high behavior worsened, as my peers' sexual awareness heightened and weed and cigarettes were easily accessible. High school reached the climax. At least a quarter of my graduating class snorted coke on a regular basis. Sex was commonplace. Underage drinking was a weekly activity for some, nightly for others. For a few girls, lingerie became an acceptable form of clothing. Needless to say, I was happy to escape it all and come to BYU, where everyone would be accepted, and I would feel a kinship and instant camaraderie with half the people I met.I never expected to struggle so much with my identity as a Mormon and in defining what Mormon actually means once I started school at BYU. Uniformity in appearance and mentality seemed rampant among the student body, and oftentimes I found people regarded those who dressed differently, even people from other races, as freaks. At home, being Mormon unified us, regardless of race, type of car, hair color and other superficial judgment tools people use. A girl could have three ear piercings and still be respected; a boy could have dreadlocks and be regarded the same way as the clean-cut returned missionary. Our ward was comprised of Asians, Democrats, Caucasians, Republicans, Hispanics - an endless gamut of diversity.This leads me to a question; How are we, as members of the Lord's church, going to fortify Zion without open-minded and loving acceptance of everyone who considers themselves Mormon?The other night I was at a friend's apartment with her and her sister, when my friend's roommate came home complaining about a construction worker who was hitting on her in an inappropriate and downright creepy way at her work. As soon as she said "construction worker," my friend's sister blurted out, "Oh my gosh, was he Hispanic?" I doubt she even realized the underlying gravity of what she said.More church members live outside the United States than within, presently, with Hispanics as the fastest growing demographic. Because of their highly religious background, these people embrace the truthfulness of the gospel faster and more intensely than any other group. Generalizations like that girl's might ultimately keep church members from unreservedly embracing everyone as "Mormon." Neglecting the elimination of mindsets such as this girl's promote physical and emotional segregation from our brothers and sisters both in the church and out.Similarly, church members in our community now feel alienated, even though they identify with the religion 100 percent, because they simply do not mentally align with traditional Mormon culture. Some people regard those not married at a young age (say 23 or younger) as "old maids" or unmarriageable. Are these people any less Mormon because they don't marry until they're a little older, even as "old" as 30? Is Sheri Dew any less Mormon because she's never been married? How about people who drink caffeinated soda? Can we shun these people for such a measly choice?This is fact. A few years ago when a friend of mine from California moved into the dorms, her roommate's mother requested a roommate change, merely because my friend was from California and must have been one of those liberal Mormons. Whether or not these allegations were true, my friend was hurt from being judged so prematurely, naively and (I am asking for it by adding) immaturely.I'm not sure why people are this way. Perhaps stereotyping and judging people on shallow characteristics is something innate in everyone. Nevertheless, our religion should unify us while our cultural differences enhance our abilities to love unconditionally.

3/20/06

am watching sections from A Mighty Wind... i am going to probably show a scene from it in my one class. we'll see. theres some really fun and pretty music in it. When I'm next to you.. and the other one that mitch and mickey sing together. the cool thing is that they sang it at the scars when it was nominated. very cool.

i am 27 now. this weekend was my birthday. i finally feel comfortable in my skin. not entirely mind you but certainly feeling better.

this weekend we went to a maple syrup farm with kyla and mum and saw the horses and the alpacas that sort of thing. it was nice. but it got so cold that we had to leave early, kyla was just a little icicle.

and the weirdestt hing.. things are good. things are fine. no major crises. bills are paid. rylan's applied for two jobs that are in his field and look very promising. we are stillt hinking if we want to be here permanently or not... but things are good.

for my birthday my husband gave me the whole first season of X files on Dvd. (yes i had a crazy crush on David Duchovny.. still do..) and the dvd Millions. fantastic film. if you havent seen it go and watch it right now. and a giant bag of cadbury mini eggs. happiness in a bag
kyla made me a quilt. very cool :) i'm goingt of ind a place to hang it on the wall.
my parents gave me some beautiful earrings.. and a lesson or class at the manning farm in spinning. very cool stuff..
rylan and ia re still figurig out what we want to do. where we want to end up. but things feel good. part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. but who knows. why wait for the bad when there's good around.