october 12

its a cold and rainy day here in the northeast. gray, and dreary.

i have been thinking about PhD programs. If i want to go for one, where and what for.. what the ultimate goal is going to be. and i miss my chrystal cause i so want to talk this over with her! or with elizabeth, one of my profs from millersville. ideally it'd be all three of us meeting for coffee, steamers and biscotti and talking about this. just thinking you know. One program is at University of Strathclyde in glasgow, where I did my year abroad.. but that doesn't feel right. as wonderful as it would be. i guess i can always hope to do conferences over there, or classes, or something in the summer there...i still want my stone cottage withe nglish gardens and roses around it, the dogs and the hills.. a kettle on the stove, and a room full of books, comfy chairs, and lots of windows.

i just keep getting more and more homesick. looking for a place i feel i belong. and it doesn't always feel like i belong here. icould belong here, but i'd still stick out, i'd still be so different, and it'd stil lack the things I want ultimately. at least some of them...

something happened the other night. was talking on the phone with someone and they proceeded to start lecturing me on the history of someplace or other, but it was a place i was more familiar with than they were and i have never felt such indignation rise up in me at this person. and i wanted to say something, scream something maybe, about a conversation doesn't equal being lectured to on the hostory of blah blah blah.. it's a discussion, a conversation, give and take.. and it drove me crazy. and part of me resolved to try to know everything about that particular subject.. but it's ridiculous isn't it.. silly and impossible isn't it... i just hated that feeling of being spoken down to, when i had more credibility to the subject than they did.... of being lectured to in quasi subject 101.. when indeed i've progressed beyond that point... grrr.

my colleague once asked me, we share ano ffice so it was between classes, how do you get fired frmot his job? i just want to mke sure I dont do it. we have ap retty nice job here. and we do. it's lovely. it's great for the resume, part time college profs, all of that. and something rose up iin me today, does it ever feel like you're pretending? like yoh're afraid someone's going to find you out? that you really aren't the all knowing and all powerful Oz but the man behind the curtain, a few steps ahead of the rest of the group? anyone else ever feel that way?

dang i need chocolate. and a steamer. possibly carmel hazlenut steamer.. but probably not. maybe i'll stop on the way home and grab somethignmake a steamer with..a nd somethign warm to eat for dinner. who knows.
off to class. ta